The Telefile
<i>New Girl</i>: The Do’s and Don’ts of Moving to Mars

That was pretty sneaky, New Girl writers. You started off last night's episode "Mars Landing" with another rousing round of True Americans on purpose, didn't you? You taught us new rules to the game (if you invented the cotton gin, you have gin poured in your mouth) and gave us hilarious new shots of the gang having fun (except for poor Winston, who had the plague) just as a way to throw us off our course. The whole episode would have to be as fun and carefree as the latest installment of True Americans, right? Wrong! It was all leading us to what is, quite possibly, the end of Nick and Jess. Granted, their relationship has put Season 3 in a rut and these two were probably doomed from the get-go, but it was still a complete bummer. Especially because I have a hard time believing this is truly the end, when it will more than likely be the beginning of a lot of off-and-on. (This should prove to be especially tough when Jess moves to Portland, and Nick is living in outer space.) Here are the do's and don'ts of moving to Mars, especially when everything is still such a mess back on Earth:

Do: Play True Americans, Hangovers Be Damned
Did anyone else instinctively shout "FDR!" after the gang yelled "JFK!"? I feel like that's the one rule I've obtained from the world's greatest drinking game. I always wonder if they make these new things up as they go (like, if you're a Bill or a George or a Greek when you arrive at Ellis Island) or if certain ones are set in stone (Grover Cleveland = doing nine consecutive shots). All I know is I want to play, dammit. It looks like it'd be worth the devastating hangover the next day.

Don't: Talk About Your Future and/or Build Complicated Toys When You're Hungover
These are pretty terrible when you're sober, let alone cripplingly hungover. Jess and Nick can barely function the morning after True Americans, but have to face the harsh light of day – literally and figuratively – when they have to get up to go to a 1-year-old's birthday party. (Again, a thing that's terrible enough when you're sober.) Jess had asked Nick to assemble the toy weeks ago, which, of course, he hadn't. As they attempt to put it together, Jess starts talking about their hypothetical future, something that freaks Nick out entirely. (He thinks you can't plan the future, and she thinks it's insane not to.) They also discover they both are living on different planets – figuratively, though Nick hopes literally. Jess sees a future with Nick where they live in Portland, and have two well-behaved children, and a house by a lake with a horse in the back yard. Nick sees a future as a long-haul trucker living in either Montana or Mars landing, with a child named Reginald VelJohnson (he lost a pancake-flipping bet to Winston and this was the consequence) who only goes to school when he's begged for it. This sets off some alarms for Jess, who wonders why she and her "intergalactic truck driver boyfriend" can't agree on anything. They both realize they want different things in life and ponder if they should just break up. They initially laugh it off and try to get back to putting together the complex toy (with pieces that looked like anything from a "meth lab" to a "swastika"), a terrible idea drunk, sober, fighting, or happy. The toy-building is a disaster and only makes them fight more. Nick wants Jess to have faith in him that he'll do things (even though he didn't build the toy) and Jess wants Nick to be himself (even though she wants him to be a guy who builds toys). It all goes up in flames. Literally. Nick accidentally sets fire to a blanket and after they have yet another fight, this time about buckets (Nick apparently keeps a "meat bucket" in the kitchen, which doesn't exactly help put out fires). Their fire fight winds up getting the whole building evacuated, and when they get back inside, not only do they have to deal with the aftermath of the fire, but the aftermath of their sobering discovery about their relationship. Both Nick and Jess realize that they have fighting all the time, and they miss being friends with each other without the pressure of having to be different people. They also realize that, while they're in love with each other, it’s all they have in common. They never actually say they're broken up ("Are we?"…."Yeah"), but Nick gives her a Saving Private Ryan farewell salute and offers to walk her to her bedroom. When they part ways in the hall, Jess grabs Nick in the exactly same way he did when he first kissed her. (If I'm not mistaken, they were in almost identical outfits, too.) But instead of kiss, they hug each other long and hard, and realize that Schmidt is living in her old room and they still have to share a room until well… who knows? Don't drink and assemble toys and play with fire, kids. Nothing good can come of it.

Do: Sext Your Young, Hot Aussie
Sure, your sexts probably shouldn't read, as Schmidt described it, "like a friggin' Russian novel" but if you're already dating a nice, charming young Australian dude named Buster (or, as Schmidt described him a "child bride") like Cece is, he probably won't care that you're texting him Jewel lyrics or wanting to get a rabbit. In fact, he'll find it so charming that he shows up the next morning to take you out for pancakes on his kangaroo. Okay, the kangaroo thing was a joke (sadly), but Buster (played by James Frencheville) still liked Cece in spite of her crazy texts. He's a keeper, for sure.

Don't: Offer to Help Move the New Neighbors In
Winston, Schmidt, and Coach helped their new loft neighbors Laurie (Stevie Nelson) and Michelle (True Detective's Alexandra Daddario) move in for one reason and one reason only: they were hot ladies. Actually, it was Winston's idea to help them move in, but Schmidt and Coach warned that looking "nice and helpful" was a terrible idea. What gentleman. It all goes to shit, unsurprisingly, when Schmidt and Coach get in a childish fight and start breaking Michelle's stuff. Winston, who still helped out for all the wrong reasons (to "sex up" Michelle and her "witch eyes"), continues to help out after this. Unless we see these two girls again, this whole story line was pretty pointless. We know that Schmidt and Coach are dogs, and that Winston is a poor doormat sap. What we didn't know was that TK was "pregnant once." That was a pretty eyebrow-raising New Girl throwaway line if there ever was one.

Do: Name Your Newsletter "Lake Father, Lake Son"
Just so long as your son's name is Reginald VelJohnson and not "AssBaby."

Don't: Pretend to Not Invite Zachary Quinto to Your Garden Party
What did Zachary Quinto ever do to you, Schmidt?




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