The Telefile
<i>Princesses: Long Island</i>: The Worst Lines of the Premiere

I can't imagine anyone went into Bravo's Princesses: Long Island expecting anything other than what we saw in the pilot, aptly titled, "You Had Me at Shalom." I mean, surely Bravo only settled on name after the FCC shot down just plain calling the series JAPS, right? (That would explain why there are a few non-Jewish women shoehorned in there.) Rather than go so far as to dignify these ladies with no firm grasp on reality with individual reactionary descriptions, or the network for so brazenly perpetuating ugly stereotypes, let's just talk about the very worst lines of the pilot and call it a day.

"The thought of wearing a flat shoe makes me want to gag." - Ashlee
There were a bunch of freebie throwaway lines that the producers highlighted so that we wouldn't miss the fact that these young women are ridiculously spoiled -- this one was just my personal favorite. Oh, and ICYMI, Ashlee then made the owner of the salon where she just got a pedicure literally carry her back to her BMW so that she didn't have to be seen walking around in flats (she's 4'9", if that makes a difference... I say no).

"I feel really bad for [the people who live in this not-mansion-filled neighborhood]... I literally want to give everybody a hug -- and then get the hell out." - Ashlee
Seriously, can you say "breakout star"?

"The car you drive, the bag on your arm, the guy you date is pretty much who you are in Long Island." - Joey Lauren
This line was so horribly read off of cue cards, it was painful to watch. It doesn't help that the TH segments of Princesses are filmed in what looks like a little girl's bedroom, as if these women need any more infantilizing.

"You guys look unbelievable. You're gonna put a hole in my pocket." - Jeff
Honestly, if this show was solely about a bunch of dramatic ladies from Long Island, I'd be fine with it. Instead, what took Princesses above and beyond offensive to me was the not-entirely-subtle tongue-in-cheek attitude toward the series' effeminate men -- specifically, Ashlee's father (who got matching pedicures with his daughter) and Amanda's boyfriend Jeff. For a network that traditionally prides itself on treating gay men with dignity, Bravo sure thinks it's funny to point out flamboyant men who identify as straight.

"This girl needs to crawl back into the tanning bed she came out of." - Amanda
I've watched every reality show about New Jersey I could get my hands on, and yet I've never heard this genuinely fantastic burn. Kudos.

"I just want you to know that [your boyfriend Jeff] is definitely my Facebook friend." - Sara
Them's fightin' words!

"I don't know what's going on, I don't want to get involved. I don't know if Sara's the bad guy, Amanda's the bad guy... but [Facebook] poking is creepy. People should not be doing that." - Joey Lauren
Okay, but seriously, a few facts I need to point out about this fight: Being friends with someone on Facebook isn't creepy or weird or even worth mentioning; In general, the term "Facebook stalking" is totally overused; Facebook poking is creepy; Most importantly, though, gay slurs are horrible and people who use them are horrible.

"You were joking, and I'm the Shah of Iran." - Jeff
Jeff is really bad at insults. I'm already committed to watching every single second of this show for masochistic reasons, and I very much look forward to hearing more hip and timely lines like this. I know 38 is basically ancient in Bravo years, but come on, man -- at least say you're a "Shah of Sunset" in hopes of making your producers happy with cross-over lines.

Don't believe this is an actual show that exists? Check out this very real clip:

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