Yes, if you were into taking all the joy out of everything, it'd be pretty easy to spoil all of the (non)action that takes place on the upcoming season of The Hills merely by paying marginal attention to the tabloids. Because god knows not a week goes by that we aren't informed of Speidi's latest exploits or LC's latest frenemy. The truth is that this is a show on which nothing much really ever happens. But that's why the show so successfully captures the zeitgeist: the beauty lies not in the substance of what happens or doesn't happen, but in the style in which the nothing-happening is couched.

So Whitney has left the sunny shores of California and moved to the glitzy Gotham that is New York City. Things are about to get real, right? Or, at least, a lot more fake-real than they were before? Uh, no. The City is a pale shadow of the car-wreck glory that is The Hills, and we've got a breakdown of what exactly is it that The City lacks and The Hills has got. We never thought we'd say this, but we miss the hell out of LC.

Check out our Hills vs. City Gallery!

I know I'm partially to blame for the enduring success of The Hills and its respective "stars," being that despite my incessant rants that nothing ever effing happens on that show, I continue to tune in week after week, perhaps operating under the misapprehension that the one time I miss it will be the time producers finally decide to unleash a shitstorm. That said, I can't help but be infuriated by the fact that these bland tanorexics keep making money for doing essentially nothing but acting -- I use the term with no small sprinkling of irony -- like themselves. Say what you will about L.C.'s crappy fashion line -- at least it requires some measure of effort. Sure, it's unlikely she actually designs any of that ugly poo herself, but the whole endeavor is based on the idea that she has an actual interest in fashion and might have, at one point, drawn a sketch. The girl does, after all, attend fashion school (sometimes).

MTV "We're Gonna Start Playing Videos for the First Time in 10 Years, We Swear" Networks has announced yet another Hills spin-off. L.C.'s buddy Whitney Port is going bi-coastal for the show, most likely because she mistakenly thinks that's something that turns frat boys on, and moving to NYC to work for a PR company. Says "an insider", "There will be more blondes in the city than you ever expected!"

Last Thursday, we saw the elimination of two different cast members from I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!: original supermodel Janice Dickinson and Hills star Holly Montag. Of course, the celebrities later voted to bring Holly back for one more day -- just long enough to get her into her underwear, of course -- but she was quickly sent packing again. Before Holly's one-day return, we got to sit in on a conference call with Holly and Janice, so while we weren't able to ask them about the one getting chosen over the other, we were able to ask Holly about Sanjolly, Heidi and Playboy and Janice about the granola bar incident, Jon Lovitz, her vagina and Jon Lovitz. You can't wait, can you?

Today is an interesting news day. For starters, I have good news for Moonlight fans, even better news for Larry the Cable Guy fans, and great news for fans of A Shot at Love. I also have bad news for fans of The Hills, which is also bad news for people who aren't fans of The Hills, and is in fact bad news for everybody, everywhere, who is still alive. Plus, now you can collect all of your favoritest, most boringest American Idol stars. Ask me how!

When's MTV gonna change its stupid name already? With the recent announcement regarding its reality show-heavy slate of new shows (16 new ones in all), it's like they're not even trying to pretend they have anything to do with music anymore. It's not even like on VH1, where the shows are sort of vaguely related to music via their hosts (Rock of Love, Charm School, etc.). It's just pure unmitigated trizzash.

Now that Sad Grampa and his sidekick ol' HMILF (that's Hockey Mom I'd Like To .... oh you know) are safely out of the picture and Obama's beginning his quest to right the wrongs of the past administration, I feel it's appropriate to train our focus on an insidious enemy that's set down deep roots in this fair nation of ours. You all know what I'm talking about right?

When I imagine the pitch for the Hills spin-off The City, it goes a little something like this:

Hey, I have a great idea! So how about we take the boringest character? From the boringest reality show? And make a show about her? It's sure to be a non-stop thrill ride, not to mention a ratings bonanza!

Ugh! Stupid TV producers cashing in on The Devil Wears Prada all over the damned place. Why now for the love of Gucci? Hot on the heels -- see what I did there? -- of a spate of fashion mag-related reality shows (see Stylista and Vogue's web series Model.Live) comes news that the Style Network will host a new show called .... wait for it ... Running In Heels, which will provide a fascinating in-depth look at what goes on behind closed doors in the esteemed offices of ... wait for it... Marie Claire. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've flipped through Marie Claire a coupla times and it's totally a fine magazine. But I sort of file it in the same category as Redbook, i.e. lady mags for the over-forty soccer mom set. You know what I mean -- like, it's something I'll pick up in the airport if I've already read Vogue and Elle and Allure and all the gossip rags and I'm desperate for something amusing and girly and mind-numbingly vapid.