Show Status Notes

2 Broke Girls

24

Permanent Hiatus

Eight seasons, 192 on-screen hours (give or take a trip to Africa), over 13,000 deaths and one cougar added up to an often exhilarating, sometimes ludicrous, real-time drama like no other, with a towering protagonist (“hero” seems too straightforward) the likes of whom we may never see on the small screen again.

30 Rock

Permanent Hiatus

Jack Donaghy would’ve had us shut it down at least a season earlier, back when Tina Fey’s weird little show used to have us Lizzing by the minute. Unfortunately, Season 5 was overloaded with stuntcasting, live episodes and too many wasted opportunities. Consider this a dealbreaker, though “I want to go to there” will remain a regular part of our vocabulary.

666 Park Avenue

Permanent Hiatus

This devilish twist on Fantasy Island was dark fun, but paled next to the creepier, more explicit American horror stories on cable.

7th Heaven

Permanent Hiatus

Much like the Jesus this show about a Christian minister’s large brood avoided mentioning at all costs, 7th Heaven just wouldn’t die. No matter how bad the writing and the acting got, or how many original cast members left and were replaced by even more terrible actors, or how many times Executive Producer Brenda “Cookies” Hampton said this was the final season, it kept getting renewed and staying at the top of the WB’s ratings. The Worst Show on Television will go on to double-digit seasons, but not here, thank Unnamed Deity!

90210

Permanent Hiatus

Zip it.

Alcatraz

Permanent Hiatus

The second island wasn’t the charm for J.J. Abrams, as a potentially intriguing concept never broke through its procedural trappings to lure in enough sci-fi (or, really, any) fans to earn a second season.

Alias

Permanent Hiatus

She was a grad student who was a spy who worked for the good guys but were really the bad guys and then she worked for the good guys to bring down the bad guys and when she finally got the bad guys all blowed up, she disappeared for two years, some dumb bitch showed up and stole her boyfriend and the whole show went all to hell. Yes, there were still some good times — the wigs, the stunts, the silly plots, the twitching of Spy Daddy’s face — but by the time we reached season five, we didn’t give a damn anymore. And, thankfully, neither did JJ Abrams or ABC because they finally wised the hell up and yanked this show off the air before it started full-on sucking. Hasta la vista, Spy Barbie!

Ally McBeal

Permanent Hiatus

It was an unfunny “comedy” about a “feminist icon” who wasn’t. Ally McBeal had more tics and quirks than a Tourette’s Ward, and it really started to suck as the years went on. Season 5 resulted in cancellation. No one was surprised. Dancing baby, wattles, bygones, et cetera. The shark, she is jumped.

Alphas

Permanent Hiatus

As huge fans of classic Marvel comics, we really wanted to love this obvious (albeit unofficial) riff on Professor X and his merry band of mutants. But the wonderfully quirky Gary character wasn’t enough to make this appointment viewing each week. We’ll happily catch up on DVD, though.

Amazing Race

Active

America's Got Talent

Permanent Hiatus

No, apparently, it does not.

America's Next Top Model

Active

American Gladiators

Permanent Hiatus

American High

Permanent Hiatus

School’s out FOREVER. Puck Lite, CrAbby, Saran Wrap, and all the rest of the wee scoundrels have moved on to greener pastures: learning how to charge pitchers of beer on their parents’ credit cards, discovering the perfect combination of incense and Glade air freshener that will completely disguise the omnipresent smell of pot, and sleeping with unsuspecting under-age females and videotaping it. Oh, wait, that last one is only attributable to Puck Lite. Relive the days and nights of the Highland Park High collective — but make sure you have lots of alcohol on hand to dull the pain…

American Horror Story

Active

American Idol

Active

Angel

Permanent Hiatus

His name was Angel. He was a vampire. A guilty soul’s his curse to bear, but did the Gypsies do his hair? He moved to L.A. when he left Buffy. During five years of sturm und drang he found others to join his gang, but in 2004 the network said “No more.” At least he got to be a puppet and had fights galore. He beat up stalkers, became a father, helped destroy his godlike granddaughter, then went to work for the Senior Partners. Vengeance and action and lots of door-smashing: that was Angel. Read the recaps.

Anna Nicole Show

Permanent Hiatus

The Anna Nicole Show set a record for the most highly watched debut on cable ever. Not surprisingly, it was all downhill from there. We just didn’t know how far downhill it would go. What’s at the bottom of hell? We never got a chance to find out, as the show was canceled off the site before getting canceled from E!. But a part of Anna will keep stumbling, slurring, feedin’, cussin’ and feuding, getting a-scared of the dentist, and forcing loved ones on amusement park rides right here.

Apprentice

Active

Apprentice: Martha

Permanent Hiatus

Everyone tuned into this newest Apprentice flavor because they were hoping against hope to see some of Martha Stewart’s famous screaming-for-merlot bitchery smeared across their screen like ginger-spiced lemon curd. Sadly, the only bitchiness to be found was when Alexis rolled her eyes at her mother a precious few times. Thanks, Burnett, but it would appear that the general public will be sticking to the spicier Apprentice Original Recipe. At least Trump’s not afraid of showing the world what a total whack-job he really is.

Are You Hot?

Permanent Hiatus

While brilliantly parodied in a Robert Smigel cartoon for SNL, the show itself was dull, distasteful, and derivative of both the website Hotornot.com and a bit on the Howard Stern show. While other bathing suit pageants (hello, Miss America) claim to have things like morals, values, and scholarships to lend themselves legitimacy, AYH? just had boobies and baby oil. It telegraphed more like a slave auction than something sexy and fun to watch. And the “celebrity” judges were particularly odious. Lorenzo Lamas? Shut up. Oh, thank God; he finally has.

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