Veronica Mars
Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: B+ | 4 USERS: A+
Douglas Adams Had No Idea
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Aaaaah. Muuuuuch better.

Neptune High. Veronica walks through the busy hallway as VMVO tells us that college-application time is coming up, and her guidance counselor strongly suggested that she engage in "a little résumé-packing." I guess that can't hurt, although I think Veronica's got a leg up on the rest of her class in the application department. Because if the events of last year made a season of awesome television, I can only imagine she'd be able to distill them into one kick-ass essay. Veronica enters a classroom as VMVO goes on to say that, as of now, she's "a Future Business Leader of America." A jaunty bald middle-aged man introduces the lecturer, who just happens to be "the CEO of Casablancas Enterprises, Mr. H. Richard Casablancas." Given later revelations in the episode, I wonder if the "H" stands for "Huckster." The class applauds. Attendees include Dick, Beaver, Duncan, and Logan. Veronica is the only female, and there are no non-Caucasians, which I'm taking as a deliberate demonstration of who the "Haves" in Neptune are. But given how important entrepreneurial ingenuity can be to a businessperson, I find it hard to believe Mac isn't around. Maybe Big Dick thinks blue hair just doesn't fit into the American corporate image. If you look closely, Beaver does not clap for his dad, which is a nice touch. Dick stops Veronica to ask if she shouldn't be in with the "Future Bootlickers of America." They both give that joke what they each perceive as its due in laughter. You'll be surprised to hear that the two results are a little different. It's interesting, though, that Dick is nastier to Veronica when she doesn't have an 09er boyfriend right by her side. Veronica sits down next to Duncan as NVMVO says she chose this big swinging dick seminar because of her "billionaire boyfriend, Duncan Kane." That's Veronica Mars who said that, in case anyone still doesn't know the characters yet. Veronica Mars stage-whispers a question to Duncan Kane about whom they're exploiting now. Duncan Kane: "The workers." Veronica Mars kisses Duncan Kane and gives a Mr. Montgomery Burns "Eeeexcellent." Hee. Next to them, Logan Echolls drops his burrito, saying now he's lost his appetite. Surprisingly, I don't share that sentiment, as that exchange between Duncan Kane and Veronica Mars was kind of cute. That burrito did look pretty gross, though.

Big Dick looks around the room and gives a quick smile and eyebrow-raise to Dick. Dick waves enthusiastically, but when Beaver tries to do the same, Big Dick doesn't acknowledge him. First lesson to the Future Business Leaders of America: Learn to fake the clapping. Big Dick addresses the class about investing, saying that he prefers real estate to other possibilities because "when I put my money into something, I like to see what I'm getting." Hey, did you guys know that Enron's corporate slogan was "Ask Why"? I don't know what made that pop into my head just now. Big Dick shows an electronic slide detailing Casablancas Enterprises REITs (Real Estate Investment Trusts), which basically allow an investor to pool his capital with that of other shareholders to own pieces of different real estate holdings. Veronica listens to this as she flips through a catalogue showing one of the company's holdings: the "Sandpiper," a beachfront luxury hotel and resort. Big Dick pulls up another slide that shows that his company's earnings have been way ahead of their share price, Share price is always much higher than earnings per share. That's called a multiple. Even with the highest-quality, most conservative, lowest-growth stocks (sometimes referred to as "value" stocks), the multiple might be five, ten, even twenty times earnings, depending on the historical circumstances. For stock in high-risk industries like biotech, the multiple might be in the hundreds. For example, in the late '90s, many internet stocks were driven up to incredible multiples, because people thought they were the wave of the future. But when the market caught on that earnings were never going to match those expectations, internet stocks crashed. Not that I know anyone who was personally affected by this phenomenon or anything. The point is, the graph is ridiculous. Big Dick asks how the graph looks, and even someone as dim as Little Dick knows that this projection is enough to keep him in new surfboards and trophy wives for the rest of his life. VMVO, however, says it looks like the rich get richer, while everyone else hopes for scholarships. And here I was hoping the fortune cookie Duncan gave her said, "You will not have to pay a dime for college." She did look awfully happy!

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Veronica Mars




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