Tru Calling
Haunted

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Intolerable Cruelty

Back to campus. Paige walks somewhere. Tru follows her. Paige walks some more. Tru keeps following her. Paige walks even farther. Tru follows her there as well. Hmm. Are you starting to sense that maybe the pacing of this show might be just as bad as the writing, the acting, the directing, the editing, and the timeslot? Because it totally is. Paige is still walking. Tru is still following her. Paige finds a conveniently boarded-up abandoned building surrounded by junked cars and medical waste right in the middle of major metropolitan university. Tru completely fails to notice the blatant implausibility of this. Incidentally, the building in question appears to have the magical property of being a different color in the wide shots than in the close-ups. Which means that even the fucking location scouts suck on this show. Paige goes inside. Tru keeps following her.

Tru rounds a corner to see Paige and Drue performing some sort of unlicensed operation on Token Ethnic Guy. Because he's just the token ethnic guy, he's apparently not worthy of being given a name by the writers, so I'm just going to go ahead and call him "Lou." I should note that it's entirely possible that they did give him a name at some point, but I was probably too busy banging my forehead against the wall to notice. At any rate. Paige and Drue watch as Lou flatlines, and Tru watches Drue and Paige watching. "He's dead!" announces Drue. And so is the career of anyone who ever resorts to ripping off Flatliners. I'd have thought that would be self-evident, but then again, look at who we're dealing with.

Commercials. At this point, they're better than sex!

When we come back, Lou is still dead. Lucky bastard. Drue and Paige wait twenty seconds, and then start shocking him with a defibrillator. Nothing happens for a few beats (get it?), and then Lou's heart kicks back into gear and he opens his eyes. "Now that," he whispers, "was a trip. But I was totally in heaven and then you losers pulled me back to this shit-hole. So now I feel like taking a season or two to mope about it, for some reason. Hope you don't mind." Drue, however, is more concerned with Tru, because he's just now noticed that she's standing three feet away from them. Tru gives them all an ultimatum: either they start talking to her, or she gets them kicked out of med school. Hmm. That's a tough one. They can get kicked out now for breaking the rules, or they can participate in a conversation that's so mind-numbingly ludicrous that half their IQ points will drain out through their ears and they'll get kicked out in a month or two for being too stupid pass their midterms. I think I'd rather just get it over with.

Cut to later, with Truie, Druie, Louie, and Paige gathered on a park bench to recap the premise of Flatliners. For those fortunate souls who've never seen that movie, it's about a bunch of medical students who take turns killing and resuscitating each other just to find out what death is like. Only on this show, they have to make the explanation even dumber. Listen to this: "You know the urban myth about how the moment you die your whole life flashes before your eyes? It's true." Oh. My. God. "Your whole life flashes before your eyes"? Are they serious? Is that a joke? Did somebody really just make the hoariest known cliché in existence a major plot point for a multi-million dollar network series? Wow. That's just…wow. I have totally run out of ways to call things "stupid." And we're just barely halfway through this dreck. But I'm sure the writers used 90 percent perspiration and 10 percent inspiration coming up with that line. And let's not forget, it's all fun and games until someone pokes an eye out because they can't bear to watch this shit anymore. Once Tru realizes that they're doing all this just to recover some repressed memories, Token Ethnic Guy gets the opportunity to deliver a token ethnic monologue about losing his father as a child. Then Tru apparently gets an additional superpower, because she's somehow able to deduce that Paige has unresolved issues with someone, based on nothing more than her stony silence and limp, stringy hair. And then, just because this scene isn't agonizing enough, Paige has to go and tell the bossy, nosy stranger who just threatened her with expulsion all about her private daddy issues solely to help move the plot forward.

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Tru Calling

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