Tru Calling
Haunted

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Intolerable Cruelty

And while we're all busy trying to find ways to procrastinate and avoid recapping the next segment, let me just say that I knew this show was truly abysmal when I actually welcomed the chance to watch an Old Navy commercial featuring The Nanny screeching the phrases "logo a-go-go" and (I kid you not) "my shizzle's gone fazizzle," simply because it was better written than the actual program it was interrupting. Hell, I rewound and rewatched that damn thing at least a dozen times before I finally worked up the nerve to continue. And stop looking at me like that. The ad also had a monkey in it. Who doesn't love monkeys?

Oh, all right. Fine. We come back to a fast pan across Tru's bedroom, where she's sleeping with a bunch of MCAT books strewn across the mattress and the blankets pulled almost all the way up to her chin. The hell? This is Fox, for fu…Fox's sake. These people released Paris Hilton's sex tape as a promotional ploy, but Tru Calling can't even show a little collarbone? What do they think we're all watching for, the subtle character development or something? This show can fucking bite me. Eventually, the phone rings, and Tru wakes up to the sound of some blonde bimbette calling her "bitchcakes." I guess that and "Wal-Mart" jokes are what passes for humor on Fox these days. In any event, this "Lindsay" person says that she's found a nice boy named Jeremy for Tru, and insists on fixing them up on a blind date that evening. Tru claims she's not on the market, because we all know that girls who look like Eliza Dushku and have the brains to get into medical school and $80 million dollars in rare gems and real estate holdings that they inherited from their parents WHO DIED BEFORE THEIR TIME always have such trouble finding dates. After much shrill whining and the promise of "Lindsay's" presence as a chaperone, Tru reluctantly agrees to the date.

A diner. Tru is eating breakfast with some guy, who teases her about the MCATs and asks about six hundred times if she's feeling okay. Dude, just come right out and ask if she was faking the orgasms. You know that's what you really want to know. Tru even calls him on it, wondering why he's suddenly so interested in her well-being when he was such an inconsiderate lover the night before. "What?" he asks. "A guy can't worry about his own sister without being accused of working an angle?" Oh! Now I get it. They're brother and sister. This must be Harrison. No wonder she won't cop to faking it. What? It's not like you can blame me for going there. "It's about what I told you, isn't it?" asks Tru. "You know…about what I can do." Ooh. Now we're getting somewhere! What can she do? Is it a special feather trick? Is it the Venus Butterfly? It's just killing me to not know (not really)! Anyway, blah blah whiny whiny brother fucker shut up shut up. Harrison hands over a racing form, and tells Tru to note the winning horses, and call him next time she repeats a day. Except when he does it, he actually uses the phrase "Should you do that voodoo that you do so well." Oy. I think my shizzle just went fazizzle. I can't believe we're only on the fifth scene and I've already never hated a show so much in my entire life. You could start a cable network that featured nothing but an endless twenty-four-hour loop of a naked Mike Binder reading selected excerpts from Mein Kampf while desecrating religious symbols and molesting barnyard animals and cute little boys, and I would STILL rather watch that than this crap. And I'm not even kidding. This show actually makes my brain hurt. Tru promises to see what she can do about the horses, although it doesn't really sound like she means it. And then she leaves, but not before giving her brother a quick hand-job under the table. You think I'm joking? Check your tapes. Her hands disappear for half the scene, and then she reaches straight for the napkin dispenser.

The MCATs. Geez, with all that build-up I was sort of expecting a giant ring of fire and killer dogs or killer bees or killer dogs with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you that would attack anyone stupid enough to get a question wrong. Instead it just looks sort of like the SATs, assuming the SATs were taken solely by bored-looking extras and guys with hay fever. Yes, that's right. Hay fever. Some dude sneezes on Tru in the middle of the test. Ha ha, right? But just you wait. It's even dumber the second time. Which just reminded me that everything I hate about this show is going to happen twice. Somebody please kill me now. Thanks. Somebody please kill me now. Thanks. Time mercifully runs out on the test (but not, sadly, on the show), and Tru looks pretty happy with her performance. Then she giggles and shows us all her armpits. Yeah. Thanks for that, Eliza.

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Tru Calling

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