Tru Calling
Haunted

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Intolerable Cruelty
Right. So let's just get this over with, shall we?

Fade up on an annoying skateboarder crashing into an empty garbage can. That's totally a metaphor for this show somehow, only I can't quite figure out exactly what it means. A guy who won't be important for another fifty-three minutes picks up the can and yells for the pesky kids to get off his lawn, and then we pan over to a house across the street, where a father who will never be important is having an empty argument with a daughter who will always be annoying. Yeah. It's just one great big circle of crap here on Tru Calling. The daughter (named Paige, as in "I wish I could turn the page and end this damn story") storms out of the house, ignoring her father's repeated claims that whatever is bothering her is merely a figment of her imagination. She then climbs into her beat-up old car and declares that "pretty soon the truth is going to come out, and when it does, I'm not the only one who's going to have to deal with it." Well, at least she's got that right. There'll be network execs, and show runners, and cancellation parties, and much rejoicing throughout the land, so I'm guessing the truth about Tru Calling will be calling on us all pretty soon. With her mouthful of unenlightening exposition successfully delivered, Paige drives off into the sunset (otherwise known as "Act II"). Dad, however, is left to stand there alone, thinking that if he could only darken his facial hair a bit he could totally become Richard Schiff, thus earning the opportunity on appear on a show with at least marginally better scripts. Yeah. I said "marginally."

The morgue. A guy I'm just going to call "Boss Guy" (because learning his name would involve expending actual brain cells on this turdfest) quizzes Tru about something called the "odonotoid ligaments," which Tru correctly identifies as the ligaments responsible for controlling cranial rotation. Hmm. I wonder -- if I severed mine, would I be able to spin my head around so it's not facing the TV? Because that doesn't sound so bad right about now. Although I will admit that Eliza does look quite fetching in a white lab coat. They're supposedly studying for the MCATs, although I only know that because they bothered to exposit aloud that they're studying for the MCATs, and not because of the actual studying or the big giant book labeled "MCATs" that Boss Guy keeps waving around. I swear to God that I've never in my life seen a show that has less regard for the intelligence of its audience than this one does. And I've got a season pass to She Spies on my TiVo, for God's sake. It's almost frightening to consider the lengths the producers have gone to here to make this show as stupid as humanly possible. Sigh. Anyway, Boss Guy tries to send Tru home for a nap, but Tru somehow feels a need to tell the audience what even deaf, dumb, blind, and legless pygmies in the deepest, darkest jungles of Africa already know, which is that if she passes the MCATs she can go to medical school. And get this: People who go to medical school occasionally become doctors! Wow! Who knew? "And if I become a doctor," she concludes, "I can finally say goodbye to…" To what? To ludicrous dialogue? To this entire show? To the faint hope that her career will survive long enough for Joss Whedon to swoop down and finally give her that Faith the Vampire Slayer show? It ain't gonna happen, Eliza. Boss Guy isn't really all that offended that his star employee desperately wants to quit her job, or at the very least he isn't offended enough to stop spouting pretentious nonsense, because he takes this opportunity to opine that "sometimes [he gets] the feeling that some people don't belong here, and some people do." Then he turns around to see what we're all staring at, but Foreshadowing quickly ducks back down behind the huge, flashing neon sign, so Boss Guy just ends up looking confused.

Credits. Man, even the credits on this show suck. "Help me," indeed. And somebody turn off that damn wind machine.

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Tru Calling

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