The Voice
The Battles, Part 4

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While You Were Sleeping

Welcome back to The Voice. While I have no evidence to support my hypothesis, I am going out on a limb and guessing that this episode will be comprised of people singing duets of hit songs. Again. Does this look familiar? It should, because I wrote it last week, when we were watching the exact same show. Some shows, like, say, Jeopardy, brilliantly rely on people doing the exact same thing over and over again (Trebek, question, answer, final Jeopardy, Trebek) week after week, year after year. The questions change, and that is enough. Jeopardy is kind of like toast. It's boring but you can eat it every day. Competitive reality television, however, should not be toast. It should be Froot Loops. It should be so good you eat the entire box, make yourself sick, swear off of it, and then come back next week for more. The Voice started out as Froot Loops with their exciting blind auditions, but these battle rounds (do I need to capitalize that? Is it a proper noun?) are toast. Worse than toast, actually. After three weeks of watching various pairings of singers rehearse, sing, and get picked or sent home, this show is more like soggy toast. It had potential but now it is inedible and unpalatable. Fingers crossed for the live show to be chockfull of high fructose corn syrup, Lake Blue and Red Dye No. 4.

So we're all agreed that the show is in the dreadful doldrums, right? Snoozeville, Population: 1? Well, putative host Carson Daly does not agree at all. He thinks the last few weeks have been "exciting" and "full of drama" and "hard decisions for the judges." Apparently he also thinks we are all a bit dim, because due to the fact that the diva judges are all wearing the same outfits week after week, it is clear that this entire show was shot in a single day. Maybe the judging was on a second day, but I doubt it. I think that this show was sold to the network by a business savvy producer who uttered the magical phrase, "We can shoot the entire thing in two days." SOLD! I mean, right? If there were fantasy leagues for television networks (do not tell me if there are, I don't care), I would hire that guy.

Carson is STILL talking, by the way, about how exciting and dramatic it all was. How the superstar coaches couldn't handle the pressure and brought in lesser stars to help mentor the wee singers. How the stars were under so much stress to bring the best possible team to the live ammunition competition rounds that Adam Levine didn't have time to change, Christina only got two bottles of wine for lunch, Cee Lo couldn't find his "I Heart Danger Mouse" t-shirt, and Blake Shelton almost slipped into his native Jersey drawl. It was insanity! And now it continues for a fourth week. The screws are tightening, the pressure is mounting, the tension could be a cut with a knife. Did you hear the man?! THIS IS EXCITING. WAKE UP. STOP SLEEPING. THIS IS DRAMATIC TELEVIzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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The Voice




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