The Voice
The Battles Continue, Part 2

Episode Report Card
Carla Sparks: D | Grade It Now!
You Da Voice

I don't know if you watched the debates, and I don't care, because to me there are only a handful of battles that matter in this world, and they are all happening on this episode of The Voice, said a crazy person. I mean, are the debates inserting cow moo sound effects in a recap of the last one? No, they are not. Do the moderators have an opportunity to "steal" at any point in the debates? I don't think so. I rest my case.

"This is just like producing a record," Michael Buble said at the beginning of the episode, just shootin' the shit with Blake Shelton in the rehearsal studio. In very few ways is this "just like producing a record," but yes, people are singing with a piano in the room, if that's what you mean. Also, stop trying to convince everyone you're from the 1940s because no one is buying it.

The first battle is between Liz Davis and Nicole Johnson. It's an old fashioned country western shoot-out, only not at all. Liz tries to convince us she's "a huge fan" of Michael Buble, because she drew the short straw. Why am I being so hard on Michael Buble? I'm not sure why all of a sudden, but I do know that I think he's a douche.

Blake hooks his team up with "Baggage Claim," by Miranda Lambert, so he can continue to pimp out his wife. When Blake joked about "hooking up a couple of times" with the writer of the song, Michael Buble looked up in surprise in the background of the shot. I saw that, Buble. I guess you and Blake don't really hang out as we are meant to believe.

Nicole is feeling like the underdog because Liz is older, er, "more experienced." She's been hanging out in Nashville for something like eight years, which is ancient in Nashville time. She's 26 or some god-awful age that might as well be in a nursing home in Nashville years, so this needs to happen for her now if she's to maintain any kind of sexual potency. Then, in rehearsal, Michael Buble gave the worst, least helpful advice given on this show yet:

"As much as you can be kind and say lovely things about the next contestant, listen, destroy them. Do what you have to do; you're fighting for your life." Yes, girls, heed Buble's advice and over-sing. Use every bag of tricks for every given opportunity. Get ahead with bloodlust. In the final rehearsal, Blake gave Liz some advice about her pronunciation, and Nicole got some notes on pitch.

It seems like Liz is the favorite going into this battle, but if this battle were happening in a movie, she would be the enemy. She's blonde, wearing black, and pretty, we could just assume that she's really mean like Hayden Panettiere is trying to be on Nashville. Oh my god, Connie Britton, I love you. Liz also looks like she could play Kim Cattrall's daughter in a Lifetime Original Movie, which weirdly makes me like her a little more.

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The Voice




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