The Voice
Season 5 – The Battles Premiere

Episode Report Card
Carla Sparks: B- | 12 USERS: A-
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Misery Loves Harmony

Yay, the battle rounds and new outfits. We have met everyone we need to know about, now we begin whittling. Speaking of trimming down, Christina is looking thinner and thinner. Her assistant mentor for the battle rounds will be Ed Sheeran.

"I like The Voice because it doesn't rely on a lot of gimmicks," Ed Sheeran says of the show with multiple lightning elimination rounds, eight steals, giant red buttons, spinning chairs and excessive trophies. Aww, it's sweet that he hasn't ever watched an episode.

Cee Lo's co-mentor is Miguel, who I had not heard of the last season this show aired. Oops. I've heard of him now, though. I like his look. He looks like a black Adam Lambert, back when Adam Lambert was doing the Satan facial hair. Adam Levine is working with his most similar counterpart yet, Ryan Tedder, the lead singer of One Republic. It's not like Adam would listen to anyone but himself anyway. And Blake got Cher.

How did this happen? Why is Cher working with Blake? How are Blake's team members not just dropping dead at the sight of her? Oh, they're country singers. They might not know who she is? No, bullshit, everyone knows who Cher is. I love that she is, almost randomly, on this show.

Going to the stage in their new, cleavage-bearing outfits, the coaches share some banter. Christina wears Cee Lo's glasses and he says, "they look good on you, too, baby." She replies, "you look good, baby!" I could watch that for the first hour.

The first battle comes from Team Adam: Grey versus Nic Hawk. Grey got multiple chair turns and she's pretty and talented. We remember that her audition was so good it caused Blake's chair to malfunction. Nic Hawk is the Broadway dancer who likes to flirt with Adam. Grey and Nic walk in holding hands. How can they be expected to sing-fight each other to show-death?

Adam has assigned this duo "Domino" by Jessie J. I'm excited to hear it, even though I wasn't particularly fond of either of them during their auditions. Grey sings the song, like, every weekend with her wedding band. It doesn't mean she sings it well. In rehearsals with Adam and Ryan Tedder, she over-sings it and makes it more Broadway than it should be.

Ryan Tedder proves he's worth his salt with his first feedback. He tells Grey not to use her vocal break and that it's coming across as loungey. He tells Nic that he has this "super dope stylization," which makes Nic's ego grow three sizes too large. "But sometimes it slips out from under you," Ryan Tedder finishes, popping Nic's balloon.

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