The Voice
Results Show

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: B+ | Grade It Now!
A Whole Lotta Nothing Going On

Oh hey, what are you doing here? It's Wednesday. At 8 p.m. Shouldn't we all be watching repeats of The Mentalist? It's kind of ballsy of the powers that be that devise the NBC schedule to assume that we would be free to watch this episode. What is this show doing on at 8 o'clock? It's waltzing all over the schedule like it's a competitor on So You Think You Can Dance. If we all took a "Rules" approach to television watching, The Voice would have had to ask us last Sunday whether we were free on Wednesday. This whole spring-it-on-us thing just seems rude.

Anyway, welcome back to The Voice. Things are getting off a little late because the President of the United States of the America chose to spring an address on us. Carson Daly puts him in his place by noting, "If The Voice is going to be delayed by someone, it should be the President." Is that treason? Can Carson go to Gitmo now? Carson harrumphs at the President and then reminds us why we are all here: To whittle down the eight semi-finalists to just four finalists. Then we get a montage of everyone singing in two-second bursts. My recap is slightly more illuminating. Slightly.

You know how this show keeps pretending that it is really, really different from That Other Singing Show That Shall Not Be Named? Well, based on what they just made the eight semi-finalists do... well, it wasn't a Ford commercial, but it was a George Michael medley and it was pretty cruel and unusual punishment for a group of semi-professional singers. The contestants all took turns singing and Nakia got a lot of camera time, which was nice because he can handle it with panache. Vicci got her chance to wail on a few notes, Javier got a quick solo, but overall it was very reliant on Nakia's stage presence. Luckily he has some to spare, because some of these people are more than a little awkward on stage. Obviously I'm mostly talking about Team Blake, because as much as I love Dia, she's not meant to be doing George Michael covers in a show choir setting. As the song (thankfully, blissfully) ends, Carson reminds us what happened just last night, you know, just in case you had to block everything out in a self-preservation technique to pretend that the Maroon 5 performance never ever happened. I chose a regimen of sniffing Wite-Out and light pithing to remove it from my memory.

You know it's going to be one of those nights when right after the medley Carson banishes us to the Social Media Chamber of Horror. The woman they have locked in the room eagerly greets the camera, whilst silently pleading with her eyes to Let Her Out. Her mouth however gleefully talks about trending topics and #TheVoice's dominance on Twitter. Then she grabs Beverly McClellan by the arm, and drags her on-camera on the grounds that The Twitterverse and her giant product-placed Sprint tablet have a question for her: How is Beverly going to feel when she crushes Frenchie and sends her new best friend and soul sister packing? Beverly nods that the thought has crossed her mind. She says it will be really hard to say goodbye to Frenchie and then Frenchie bear hugs Beverly from behind, but it's probably just a desperate plea for more camera time. As the social media lady continues talking about trends! Buzz! Topics! Tweets! Beverly and Frenchie smoosh their faces and close their eyes and have a PG-13 moment.

When we return from the 32nd commercial break of the evening, Carson still won't give us any results. We haven't earned it yet. Oh no, first we have to kill more time. So we revisit the performances from last night. Again. Up first is Team Cee Lo. The Team Cee Lo match-up is the best/worst on the show, because both Nakia and Vicci are fantastic performers. In fact their pairing kind of reveals the flaws in this system because either Vicci or Nakia could win this whole thing. It's like when top seeds compete against each other in an early round of Wimbledon. Carson's goal for the evening is to make everyone cry. So he asks Nakia to say a few heartwrenching words to his partner, Robert. Nakia cries, Robert cries. Mission accomplished. Considering how Idol seemed to force Adam Lambert to stay closeted, it's refreshing how many openly gay performers this show has.

Carson then turns to Vicci and reminds the world that Vicci has a dead father. Obviously Vicci starts crying as she is reminded of her father and his dream deferred and her mother who loves her. Then Cee Lo recites a poem. Yes, a poem. I'm not going to transcribe it because I have better things to do with my life. No, really. I swear. Oh fine, I'll tell you a part of it: "They are the two brightest stars in the sky. The revolution is being televised. Red 'til I'm dead." Nice Gil Scott Heron reference there, Cee Lo. (*pours a little out for poor deceased Gil*) Carson draws it out as long as possible, but eventually he has to reveal that Cee Lo gave Nakia 51% of his vote and Vicci got 49%. The reason that Cee Lo gave Vicci the marginally lower score was because he couldn't totally hear her over the drums. However if he could take it back he would give them both 50%. America's score is then added to Cee Lo's and something something mathematical happens and Vicci suddenly has 124 points. So it goes from a percentage thing to a points thing? This is very confusing for those of us not quite interested enough to care to do an algebraic formula to watch reality television. Anyway, Vicci wins! Nakia gives her a big old bear hug. I wonder if Vicci can beat Javier? Probably not. Nakia might have been able to, what with his overwhelming stage presence, but I don't think Vicci can do it.

Cee Lo must have had a big case of the sads since everyone got to perform last night and he just had to sit there and take it. But now it's Cee Lo's turn. He is going to entertain us with his new song called "Bright Lights Bigger City." He is neither dressed as a chicken nor does BFF Gwyneth Paltrow perform alongside him. Instead, he appears on stage in a white zoot suite tuxedo and a pin-curled wig balanced precariously atop his head as he sings surrounded by a fleet of flappers and gangster dancers. The song is not nearly as catchy as "Fuck Forget You" or anything Gnarls Barkley did, but this does not stop the audience (and Adam Levine) from going crazy clapping and chanting, "Cee Lo! Cee Lo! Cee Lo!"

Carson tries to get everyone to stop chanting long enough to point their attention towards an Adam Levine wank job interstitial. In the time killing episode, Adam "just happened" to run into the Gym Class Heroes while he is "hanging out" with his team. This fortuity means he can bring his entire team to watch him perform a new song he "just happens" to be working on with the band. Once he has the team trapped in the studio, he makes them stand quietly by as he performs. Then he makes them all politely clap and say fanboy things like "It was amazing!" It wasn't. However, Great Galumphing Jeff thought it was the best experience of his life, while poor innocent Devon Barley can't wait to try that whole style mixing thing at the next karaoke party at the Student Union. Javier stands to the side almost audibly thinking, "I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT." Which is true. We all are.

Back in "reality" Casey Weston and Javier Colon stand awaiting judgment from their master. Carson reveals that Adam gave Casey 35% of his votes and Javier got 65%. Casey flinches and Adam puts on his best Dad Voice. He says something like, "Casey, I know this looks bad, but this doesn't reflect on you Casey. It doesn't reflect on either of you. I look on you as equals, but Javier is just going to win this entire thing and Casey is not." Adam wants to win, so obviously he has to make sure Javier goes to the finals. Just in case there was any doubt that he would. Casey sniffs at the Bullshit-O-Meter, but doesn't really have a choice. Or a chance. Carson says something about adding America's score from 1 to 100 to Adam's scores, but I don't have my graphing calculator so I can't follow.

Obviously, Javier wins. Adam rushes the stage to try and make sure Casey won't go blab to the media about their little tryst because he loves her, he just loves winning more. He hugs her really tight and she gets a little handsy and he pushes her away. I think he congratulates Javier, too, but Carson is trying to move things along. He wants us to turn our attention to Team Blake. Carson remind

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