The Voice
Blind Auditions Premiere, Part 2

Episode Report Card
Carla Sparks: C | Grade It Now!
Carson Daly Fails to Empathize, Part 2

So here we are again, watching the second episode of The Voice. And why not? Your neighbors are fighting, you have an entire wedding cake left to eat, how else are you going to fill two hours? Wait, what's up with that wedding cake? I'm sorry I didn't ask about your weekend sooner, it sounds interesting. But we'll catch up later, because right now it's time for Adam Levine and Christina Aguilera to patronize some aspiring singers.

Adriana Louise is up first, and she's been waitressing and bartending to pay the bills but she's really a singer. Of course, she wouldn't be a contestant on The Voice without the story of her family's kidnapping. A gang grabbed her father, who wouldn't cooperate, so the family was held at gunpoint. This happened when Adriana was nine, and in response to this story, Carson had this to say: "oh god. I'm sorry to hear that, that must have been ... just brutal." Way to empathize, Carson.

Adriana chose to sing "Domino" by Jessie J, and even at my drunkest I would not brave that at karaoke, because it is very vocally demanding. Cee Lo and a very bored looking Adam push their buttons. Reluctantly, Christina pushes her button, and Blake follows suit. I would not deem this performance worthy of four button pushes, but I am not a superstar. I don't know where in this paragraph to say that I don't like her neon coral shoes, nor the way she walks in them. I also wonder what they give the families before they lock them in that back room with Carson, because they just seem SO amped up. Are they given a limited amount of oxygen?

Cee Lo, noting that they're both wearing white, says, "We look like we just got married." Christina says, "I got you," for the first of many times in the night. After all the over-praising, and some rare begging from Adam Levine that would be difficult for any woman to resist, Adriana chose Christina. She's got her.

"FINALLY SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENED TO OUR ADRIANA," Adriana's mom cries, with her last breath before she passed out and Carson was offered an oxygen mask.

Have we talked about Christina Aguilera's folding fan of affectation yet? The way she's experimenting with brandishing it for dramatic effect? She probably included it in her rider once she found out that Cee Lo was allowed another animal.

Is this Casey Muessigmann character really 22? Is he really a person? He is what any lady's guide to buying denim would call "apple-shaped." He's a cowboy, he wrestles, and he gained 100 pounds after he tore his meniscus. Now I feel bad about that apple-shaped comment. But his name and outfit are still preposterous. If his last name was "Musicman" that would be one thing, but no one can call the last name "Meussigmann" a calling. They should have changed that one at Ellis Island. Fortunately for Casey, he's not being judged on his last name or the cut of his jeans, so Blake and Cee Lo turn around. Blake complimented Casey on his ass-spanking, so Casey chooses him as his coach.

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The Voice




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