Surreal Life
Mel's Diner

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Uncle Bob: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Nighttime. The housemates are eating dinner outside. Under each of their plates is the name of someone else at the table, and they're asked to assume that person's identity for shits and giggles. Tammy Faye gets Ron's name and says "My feet don't stink!" which gets a huge laugh, so she gets bold and says, "And I've got a nine-and-three-quarter-inch meat snake in my pants, and he's wanting to go somewhere warm and cozy for the evening!" to which everyone kinda sighs. Shoulda quit while you were ahead, T-bird. The rest all make stupid little comments that aren't worth repeating. It may have seemed like a neat idea in the writers' office, but once it was laid out for the television cameras, it had all the spontaneity of a Coke belch. Trishelle says she's really warming up to Traci, since they both seem to be sisters in heavy alcohol consumption. Traci admits that she really enjoys flashing her fake boobs, and that she tends to get "real friendly" with no boundaries. Which means she likes to hump any living thing. She looks across the table at Ron and slurs, "If I wasn't engaged, I'd engage in somethin' somethin' with you." Ice says that if he were engaged to Traci, he'd dump her ass for saying such a thing on television. Traci celebrates her drunkeness by tossing glasses and plates over her shoulder, which crash on the concrete behind her. She then decides that she wants to beat the crap out of Vanilla Ice because, in a moment of clarity, she realized that all of America wants to see this dirtbag get his ass pounded once outside a celebrity boxing ring. So she chases him around the house for an hour, kicking wildly in his wake. After she gets bored with that, she goes back to wanting to see Ron's penis. Normally, Ron wouldn't hesitate to show off his bread and butter, but he's not giving it up for Traci until she trots out the boobage. Ron. Find a computer with an internet hookup and Kazaa. It took me less than three minutes to download Traci's ta-tas bouncing around on a beach. Traci corners Ron in the kitchen and yanks down his sweat pants. We see ass, but no penis. He yanks his pants back up and foils Traci yet again. Still drunk, Traci does a cartwheel straight into the camera, ending the episode.

Next week, the housemates go to a medium who tells them their fortunes. Tammy Faye snaps because mediums are the work of the devil. The cast puts on a play that's designed to entertain children, but apparently scares the shit out of them. And Trishelle gets drunk and makes a move on Ice. Hey! Way to make everyone uncomfortable, Trishie!

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Surreal Life

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