Surreal Life
Mel's Diner

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: B+ | Grade It Now!
Fried Coleman

Inside, Ice is still fuming, and the rest of the housemates decide that an impromptu anger intervention on his behalf may be in order. They all come to his bedroom and try to act sympathetic to his whiny little bitchy bitch baby ways. Bottom line: Ice was insulted that this woman wouldn't take their brownies. She made him feel like a dork, and if there's one thing he can't stand, it's being a dork. Again, I say the magic words Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II. Tammy can relate to Ice right now because he's not used to having doors slammed in his face (ch-yeah...right). Ice brings up the fact that this show they're all on has a certain cheese factor to it, but that he's worked his ass off to develop a strong following and has striven to get away from his former image as Vanilla Ice. (Here's a Behind the Music fact for you guys: my neighbor's band opened for the Iceman a year or so ago. Trust me, my neighbor's not proud of the fact. Anyway, he says that Ice is still playing "Ice Ice Baby" in concert. And his "strong following" is more like "bemused drunkards" who would have been in the bar the night he performed anyway. As Paul Harvey would stammer: now you know the rest of the story. You know. If Paul Harvey's still alive.) Ice says that any time Gary Coleman's figured into the equation, the cheese factor rises substantially, and that Ice was really turned off when he realized he'd have to appear with the master of celebrity stunted growth. Ron admits that he's not bothered by the cheese factor, and has come to accept it as part of his career and life. Ice says there's no way he could have been on last year's installment of the show. I'm guessing because they already had a Feldman last year, and two would have disrupted the show's dynamic. Ice says he couldn't have done it with Hammer, and that Hammer is his friend. For some reason, that didn't make sense, and the best editors in the world couldn't have made it any more sensible.

For some unknown reason, Traci asks Ice what he would have done if Danny Bonaduce had been on this season of the show, since apparently he was offered a bed in the house and had all but taken the gig. Ice says he would have whooped his fat ass, because he hates Bonaduce for making fun of Ice on the radio. He mentions that he tried to kill himself once because of his former image, which causes me to curse God silently for not being on the ball that day. He was tired of seeing Jim Carrey doing skits about him (I'm guessing on In Living Color). He despises everything about his old image, and feels that should be no reflection on who he is today. It gets quiet, and you halfway expect someone to grunt, "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" to point out the obvious, but nobody does. Erik basically tells Ice to get over himself, adding that once you can sit back and laugh about your former image, you've beaten everyone who ever made fun of you. Ice says in a confessional that he would have left the house by now if it hadn't been for Erik, and that Ice's mother still has a crush on Ponch. Traci admits that everyone laughed at Baywatch, but that it's what put her on the map. Ron points out that at one time everyone in the house was on top of his or her respective game ["except Trishelle, who has no game" -- Wing Chun], and that he was on top, on the bottom, and sideways in his game. Ice says it's an honor for him to be with all of them, and that it wouldn't have been an honor to be a member of the first season's cast. I don't know who it is that Ice hates from the first season, but I'm guessing it's Feldman. Who didn't hate Feldman?

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Surreal Life




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