Surreal Life
Mel's Diner

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Uncle Bob: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Fried Coleman

The housemates return home, exhausted after actually having to work for a living. They brought comment cards home with them that say Erik was the best employee of the bunch, Ice is still hot, some people were scared at first when they saw Ron would be cooking their food, and Tammy Faye was nice like someone's mom while Ron was creepy like someone's dad. Tammy Faye says that even though she screwed up every single order she took, she still enjoyed the experience. And I'm sure the customers who were up all night vomiting chicken sandwiches with mascara-coated fake eyelashes embedded in them would agree with her. As the night goes on, Traci decides that she wants to start kicking everyone and stopping just inches from their faces, for fun. Erik growls that if Traci kicks his hair one more time, he's going to knock her on her fucking ass. Looks like I was wrong last week -- maybe it is a toupee. Erik decides to nickname Traci Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan, because she's relentless in her kicking. Since he can't decide on a single nickname, I'll do it for him. Call her the "Krazy Kicking Drunk Bitch," Erik. Ron's irritated because Traci keeps beating up on him, and he's torn because he can either let her do it and come off as a wimp, or turn around and beat the snot out of her and come off as a creep. He comes up with a third solution, and pulls her on top of him onto his bed. Her boobs are on his cheek and he's just beginning to get comfortable, adjusting to the hard slap of silicone to his jowls when Ice catches them frolicking on the bed. Ice acts like he's seen something he shouldn't have, and tiptoes back into the bathroom. Ron hugs Traci and kisses her on the head. She then sits in his lap and he reminds her that he's the proud owner of a 10" penis which is about to kick into work mode. She jumps off his lap, pretending to be repulsed by such a large penis, but secretly you can tell. Yep. You can tell she wants to play it like a bass guitar with no strings and tuning keys or volume knobs. She just wants to stroke his penis, okay? There's no universal rule of thumb for large-penis metaphors, you know?

The next morning, Erik's the first one out of bed, and he wants to wake everyone else up because they kept him up all night. He makes a capuccino for Traci and is trying to woo her out of bed with the scent. She's under the covers and won't respond to him. He asks if she'd rather have wine instead of cappuccino which tells us that our favorite little beach bunny must have drunk her dinner the night before. That explains the hyperactive karate lessons she was sharing with everyone for hours on end. The gal was schnockered.

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Surreal Life

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