Surreal Life
Mel's Diner

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Uncle Bob: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Fried Coleman

Ron says that he's an adequate chef, as we see him barking orders at the waitresses and eating everything he can get his hands on. Gary's mad because he wasn't prepared for a bunch of disrespectful celebrity employees coming in there and making a mockery out of his restaurant-management skills. Ice realizes that it's been ten minutes since he last hoisted Gary Coleman around like a rag doll, so he goes to pick him up and cart him around the restaurant. Yeah, Ice, that's how to endear yourself to midgets: carry them around in front of crowds like they're inanimate objects. Midgets eat that kind of attention up! Ice threatens to put him in the deep-fat fryer again, and says that Gary's lighter than his six-year-old kid. Gary tells Ice to leave him alone. Coldly. Like if he had a gun in his tiny little hand, Ice would no longer be a problem. Trishelle says that, all of a sudden Gary turned into Lucifer, and that he's got height envy because she's taller than he is. I've got news for ya, Trish: most kindergarten kids are taller than Gary Coleman. He doesn't have height envy. He's allergic to assholes. Still, Trishelle's convinced that all little people have problems. She then takes a long swig from her flask, smacks her lips, and gets back to work.

The dinner rush starts, and Mel's has a full house. Traci's having a blast while Gary's quickly going mad. Even though he has two waitresses and a busboy, he's been forced to clean tables and take orders himself. He can't seem to motivate the housemates. Trishelle's in a booth drinking beer with frat boys. Erik starts getting frustrated, because there are people who've been seated for thirty minutes and still haven't been waited on. We then see Trishelle on her cell phone, chatting with a friend and telling him or her that none of the customers are happy with her. Gary says that Tammy Faye's still screwing up every order she takes. Ron senses her stress, so he offers to take a break and give her a massage, which she enjoys while people wait for her to wait on them. A guy asks Erik to watch his daughter while he goes to the bathroom. Gary asks him what he's doing, and he explains that he's babysitting a kid whose dad has irritable bowel syndrome. Erik tells Gary to bring the kid some ice cream, and Gary about bursts a vessel. Customers are getting madder and madder. One customer specifically ordered his sandwich without bacon because he's Jewish and can't eat bacon; he says he can tell that bacon touched his sandwich because he can smell it. Gary picks up the bread and snorts at it; he tells Traci to fix the guy another sandwich with no bacon and to take it off his bill. He hollers, "Tell the cooks he's Jewish and can't eat bacon!" over the din of the customers. From what I understand, the Jews love it when restaurant managers yell out their religious affiliations to a crowded restaurant. Trishelle decides to try to save her job by telling Gary and the Jewish customer that the Jewish guy is a fucking liar, and that he's bullshitting Gary because he never said shit about no bacon when she took his order and that if he doesn't like it, he can get his own fucking food. Seriously, you have to respect Trishelle for handling the situation with such poise.

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Surreal Life

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