Surreal Life
Mel's Diner

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Uncle Bob: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Fried Coleman

Gary comes back out to the living room and announces his decisions. Tammy Faye's a nervous wreck; she doesn't want to be a waitress because she'll forget everyone's orders because...well, she's like borderline retarded. Erik's going to be the busboy because Gary needs someone with muscles, and he could see Erik's muscles from where he's standing. Ron says that if Gary had checked out one of Ron's movies, Gary could have seen Ron's "muscle"; for that, he gets a much deserved rim-shot sound effect. Traci's going to be the dessert chef, Ice and Ron are cooks, and Tammy Faye and Trishelle are going to be waitresses. Tammy Faye's stomach balls up and she looks all panicky. None of them has received the job he or she wanted.

The housemates drive over to Mel's Diner, a famous Hollywood landmark featured prominently in American Graffiti. Ron says he wants to kill himself, which would be a pretty surreal headline in itself: "Porn star commits suicide while frying bacon." Tammy Faye thinks she looks like Lucille Ball in her waitress outfit. Personally, I think she looks like Yogi Berra in drag, but if she wants to look like Lucy, let her. Ice finds a banana and asks Ron if he wants to keep it in his pocket. Ron answers, "Why make it look smaller?," meaning his penis is larger than your average banana. Is it normal for a male TWoP recapper to suffer from penis envy? If so, I'll admit it. If not, forget I said anything. Ice decides that he's going to walk around with the banana hanging out his zipper, which is sure to cause hilarity, because nobody in the history of mankind has ever pulled such a wacky stunt. At least, nobody who's graduated from the second grade. Ice greets Tammy Faye with the banana hanging out his zipper, because the guy has all the tact of a deranged serial killer; to the surprise of no one, she blushes. I'll bet this moron would goose a nun if the opportunity presented itself. Gary's starting to bark orders at everyone, and Ice wants him to loosen up a bit, but it looks like everyone's in for a very long shift at Mel's Diner with one pissed-off election-losing midget running the show.

Out on the floor, Gary's channelling R. Lee Ermey from Full Metal Jacket as he lays out order after order onto the hapless cast, all of whom look bored with him already. The training crew is trying to show the cast the ropes but, as Tammy Faye says, they're going over every single detail, which you can't possibly absorb all at once. Ron drops some cheese slices on the floor, and Ice complains about the "cheese factor" once again, except this time the cheese factor is on the floor. Gary's there immediately like a miniature Radar O'Reilly, telling Ron and Ice that they have to keep their hands clean while Ice eats something out of a bowl with his hands. I can't imagine that the folks who own Mel's Diner are too thrilled with this sort of publicity. Ron's showing the other cooks how to circumcise a foot-long hot dog while Traci struggles to pour a milk shake properly. Tammy Faye admits that she doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground, but says she's trying to act like she does. Ice is carrying Gary Coleman around like a sack of potatoes while offering the diners "Fried Coleman." Gary doesn't handle this "joke" too well. Ice finally puts Gary down, and Gary jumps on the American public's bandwagon by saying, "I hate Vanilla Ice." Welcome to the club, Gary. Here's your membership card. Erik's enjoying the whole thing; he's a big ball of energy and fun, and is being nice to all the customers, the good ambassador of the group. Ice says it must be from all the pills Erik takes, and then quickly corrects himself, "All the vitamins he takes." Yeah. I think I know a Zoloft addict when I see one. A customer asks Tammy Faye for an Arnold Palmer, and she says, "Okay." He asks her if she knows what an Arnold Palmer is, and she says, "Of course. He's a golfer." Tammy Faye admits that after waiting tables for two hours, she's convinced she's screwed up every check she's touched.

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Surreal Life

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