Surreal Life
Mel's Diner

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Uncle Bob: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Fried Coleman

The morning issue of The Surreal Times hits the front porch, and Tammy Faye is just a little too excited to see it, in my opinion. Then again, retrieving the newspaper gave her forty-five seconds away from Vanilla Ice. I guess I'd be a bit jubilant too, under the circumstances. The headline reads that a local landmark restaurant will be getting a facelift courtesy of the castmates, and that the restaurant manager will be coming to the house momentarily. On cue, the doorbell rings, and Erik goes to answer it. As soon as he sees the shadow in the frosted glass by the door, he knows who it is. It's a small shadow, and Erik hollers out "Stuart Little!!" Except it's not Stuart Little, the talking mouse. It's Gary Coleman, the talking mouse.

Erik and Gary hug, which is not nearly as awkward as when Vince Neil and Emmanuel Lewis hugged last season, but still it ranks pretty high on the Universal Scale Of Creepiness -- somewhere slightly below watching video of Michael Jackson french-kiss a kid with leukemia, and slightly above video of Kathy Griffin getting a pap smear. As soon as Ice sees Gary Coleman, he's not happy, because of the "cheese factor" that surrounds Gary Coleman. I totally agree with him. How dare the producers force Vanilla Ice -- the gifted thespian who sang "Ninja Rap" while appearing in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze -- to work with Gary Coleman? The nerve of those ratings-grubbing bastards. Trishelle's excited to meet Gary Coleman because he's such a cute little man. Gary says he's there to interview them all to determine who gets what position in the restaurant. He tells them that all the money they raise in tips is going to charity. He doesn't mention which charity, so we're left to believe it's for the "Friends of Gary Coleman for Mayor of Ripon, California," since he's apparently gone back to the drawing board after getting his ass handed to him by the Terminator.

The interviews begin, and it's obvious to a blind man that Coleman is taking this shit way too seriously as he grills each of the castmates about their recent work. He gets to Trishelle and asks if she's a people person; she says, "Sure." He asks her if she likes men, and she lights up. He asks if she likes black men who are 4'8" and hung like a pencil eraser. She goes back to looking depressed. He tells Ice that he's not looking for any troublemakers, and Ice says that if his buttons are pushed, he's going to lash out; a growling sound effect is played while we stare at this frightening man. (Ice, not Gary.) (Although, Gary's a pretty frightening guy in his own right.) Ron's excited to show Gary his waiter skill; Ron can basically flip a plate around without letting anything fall off it. Gary's not that impressed. He asks Traci how she feels working around "cow meat and pig meat." Personally, I think the word "meat" would have been sufficient here, but maybe he's a stickler for specifics. Traci says she's a vegetarian, and Gary looks shocked. He's already regretting signing up for this gig. None of the housemates has every cooked, and Gary desperately needs a cook.

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Surreal Life

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