Surreal Life
A Talk Show, Supper And A Goodbye

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Dirty Laundry

The Surreal Times hits the front door and announces that the celebrities are going shopping. Each of the housemates will be given $50 to buy each other going-away gifts. Ice is scribbling numbers on a piece of paper, trying to figure out how much heroin he can buy for $50. They hop in the van and are shuttled to Melrose Avenue, where they visit several shops and boutiques. Erik tries on a wig for laughs, getting a grand total of none. Ron announces that he hates shopping. He says he'd rather be reading or watching TV or enjoying a threesome with a couple of blind Filipino runaway teens with butt acne. He's whining and cringing the entire time. The shopping excursion doesn't last long, which is a relief for me, since I hate shopping as much as Ron does. And I hate watching D-list celebrities shopping on television even more than I hate actual shopping.

The cast members get home and find that the living room has been transformed into a television studio, complete with a stage and a studio audience. A big sign hanging over the stage reads "Dirty Laundry" which, coincidentally, was Ron's luxury item. As it turns out, Sally Jessy Raphael has grown weary of blowing homeless guys in bus-station bathrooms for a buck a pop and is desperately trying to get her gruesome mug back on the airwaves once again. The people at The WB were just as desperate for a guest star who could make Rick James look coherent, and hired her for the show's season finale. Sally Jessy takes the stage, and for a fleeting moment she shows poise and grace. Then she opens her mouth and begins to speak, and the poise and grace sail out the window like lime-green loogies. The woman has obviously had so much plastic surgery that she'd make Michael Jackson cringe. Tammy Faye's introduced first, and admits that she forgot what kind of show Sally Jessy does. That's okay, Tam-Tam. So has the rest of America. Sally Jessy introduces the rest of the housemates individually, and you can hear the contempt she has for both Ron and Trishelle. Ron's very skeptical about this, especially after Sally Jessy says that Ron's in the adult film business but that she doesn't know what's so "adult" about it. Trishelle wishes she'd had the time to process everything, because if she had, she wouldn't have done the talk show. Then again, the producers didn't have the three months it would have taken her brain to process the information. The talk-show format has also caught Ice off-guard.

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Surreal Life

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