Nobody Knows Anything

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: C- | 1 USERS: A
Everybody get gross

Paulie is a gross, gross man. A gross man who is half naked and receiving a back rub from a madam named Debbie. They make jokes simultaneously about baseball and sex. They make me uncomfortable. A topless woman interrupts the routine with concern that Big Pussy is having a heart attack. Which he's not. He's having a back spasm. Fortunately, there's a doctor in the whorehouse. Unfortunately, he's wearing a French maid's uniform.

Four days later, which for some reason they make sure to tell us in big blocky letters, there's a raid on a bar where Pussy is hosting a card game. The feds find a stash of illegal weapons. Pussy decides to live up to his name and makes a run for it. He gets caught, because as Christopher so aptly put it later at the Bada Bing, "[Pussy] gets tired pulling his dick out to take a leak." Pussy whines and moans, and the guys all laugh at him. Everyone is really icky in this episode. I feel itchy.

The cop who Tony is paying off (henceforth the CWTIPO) calls a meeting, and Tony is upset because it's interfering with his fishing. The CWTIPO tells Tony that Pussy is wired for sound and the feds are listening. Tony doesn't believe it. He doesn't just love Pussy, he luvs Pussy. He's like a brother to him. The CWTIPO offers up the evidence: Pussy's been pushing a lot of heroin to pay for his kid's college tuition, he was not in on the big heroin bust last year because he was in Las Vegas at the Mighty Big TV hoohah. I mean, he was in a federal holding pen, making a deal with the feds. Then he got out of jail almost immediately after he ran. And besides, Pussy is a big family man, and that's who the feds try to get. Tony can't believe it. He won't believe it. He mustn't believe it.

Tony and Carmela are having a par-tay. It looks like one of those godawful open houses where, even if it's one of your friends, you still don't want to go, because they invite all their relatives and who wants to hang out with someone else's bratty cousins and dirty uncles? And the food is inevitably some sort of gussied-up Betty Crocker fare like shrimp puffs or canap├ęs or mini quiche. All foods which, as far as I can tell, no one actually likes eating, but just eats out of boredom or desperation at those damn cocktail receptions and mid-afternoon open houses. Anyway, Carmela's on the phone with Livia. Livia's not coming. Carmela feels bad. Tony doesn't. Carmela gets over it. If Livia was your mother-in-law, would you feel bad when she didn't come over? Didn't think so. Tony asks Pussy to help him move the piano. Couldn't they have done that before the guests arrived? Pussy says he can't because his back is hurt. Tony was aiming at something there, but I have no idea what. Pussy says he's thinking about going upstairs to take a bath, which is a pretty queer thing to do at someone else's house if you ask me. And an even queerer thing to do at someone else's house during someone else's party. Was Pussy raised in a barn? While Christopher and Paulie help him move the piano, Tony asks them to keep an eye on Pussy because he's not acting like himself. Christopher opines that it's because he's been popping Percocets like they're M&Ms. Paulie agrees, and adds that it's even weirder because there's nothing wrong with Pussy's back. Huh? Yes, it's true. Paulie sent Pussy to the "Jonas Salk of back pain," who, after poking and prodding, declared that there was nothing wrong with Pussy's back. They all mull that over for awhile. I go make a waffle, because it looks like it's going to be a long night.

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