Cold Cuts

Episode Report Card
Aaron: D+ | 2 USERS: A+
Angry Fat Man

We open on a pair of fat guys hanging out along a dark, deserted dock. And even thought this episode totally sucked, neither of them is Wide Guy. Instead I'll just call them Oblong Guy and Trapezoid Man. Oblong Guy is getting impatient for some reason, and he angrily places a call to some other random, geometrically-configured mafioso (Ronnie the Rhombus? Nico Nonagon?) to report that the "Vespas" they're waiting for haven't shown up yet. Yeah. I put "Vespas" in scare-quotes because, well, they scare me. And also to prove that's really what he said. Otherwise I doubt you'd have believed that a guy that fat would want a scooter that small.

Cut to Tony, standing on a busy sidewalk somewhere and complaining to Johnny Sack about those self-same scooters. A smug Johnny plays dumb, claiming that the Vespas never "got into [his] hands." When reminded that he's the one who controls Port Newark, Johnny shifts the blame to "heightened security" because of Al-Qaeda. Oh, great. Now I have an endless Eddie Izzard-inspired image in my head of Osama Bin Laden puttering around Afghanistan on a scooter saying "Ciao!" to everyone. Thanks, guys. Johnny climbs into his Maserati, which he's somehow managed to park diagonally on the sidewalk, and then Tony comes over to ask why no one told him that the Vespa deal wasn't going to "happen." "A lot of things didn’t happen that seemed like they happened," replies Johnny, in whatever the Italian version of a koan might be. "Your cousin didn't whack Joey. The Vespas never got into my hands." And with that, he drives off. And here's our first Figgis Failure of the evening, by the way: It's a handheld shot that starts with the Maserati logo on Johnny's trunk, and then scampers drunkenly down the street, careens off to the left, and finally settles into a cock-eyed close-up of an angry Tony. Oy. I used that exact same shot in the first movie I ever made. In the fourth grade. Ciao!

We now join a little league soccer game, already in progress. Janice is prowling the sidelines, cheering on Sophia Baccalieri. All the other parents are shouting and hollering to their own kids, as well, producing a cacophony that is almost, but not quite, as annoying as Meadow saying the word, "Sooooooooooootcase." Janice is easily the loudest of the bunch, but second place definitely goes to a patrician-looking blonde woman who is screaming about "number seven's" elbows and calling the opposing team "a bunch of losers." "Hey," screams Janice. "No negatives, you!" And no verbs, either, apparently. Blondie's kid suddenly lays a hip-check on Sophia, which sends Baby Baccala sprawling to the ground. Janice yells to the referee, calling for a yellow card, or an error, or a penalty, or a Pele, or whatever it is you get for misbehaving in soccer, but none is forthcoming. Considering the relative sizes of the girls in question, however, I think Little Blondie probably deserves at least a five-minute major and a game misconduct for violating the laws of physics, because if that collision had happened in the real world, Sophia would have sent her flying halfway to Los Alamos. Janice obviously takes exception to Big Blondie's take on this turn of events, and so she heads over to confront the woman face to face. Shouting soon escalates to shoving, as Janice gets in the first push, and Blondie attempts to emulate her daughter's freakish ability to conserve mass by shoving Janice right back. Oops. Janice reacts to that one by going straight for Blondie's throat and tackling her to the ground, which prompts the only giggle of the scene as Blondie's shocked, "What are you crazy?" trails off into a mouthful of grass. Once she's got her foe pinned, Janice delivers a few meaty sounding punches and a shouted "How do you like it now, bitch?" Sigh. Would it really have killed them to go with, "This is how we do it Hoboken, bitch"? The referee and some parents eventually manage to pull Janice away, and it's at this point that I'd like to draw your attention to two of our innocent bystanders: Not Janeane Garofalo and Camcorder Man. They'll both be important in a few minutes.

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