A Hit Is A Hit

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: D | 2 USERS: A+
A Hit Is A Hit

So we start this episode with Big Pussy, Christopher, and Paulie delivering a refrigerator. Oh, did you miss the episode where they decided to go straight and started an appliance store out on Route 3? So did I. But wait! All three pull out their really big loud guns and grab some suit when he opens his apartment door. Those wacky writers -- they didn't go straight at all! It was a big joke! Hoo! Paulie lets the suit know that this is a message to his friends not to go to Jersey, not even on Sunday. Through the duct tape on his mouth, the suit says he'll tell him. Paulie says they've been told. Twice. Now he'll tell them. And then he shoots the suit in the head. Then they steal all his money. Which is a lot. We're talking suitcases of cash here, folks. Not to say that crime pays or anything.

Meanwhile, back in Nutley, Tony is thanking his Stupid Neighbor for recommending Dr. Melfi by giving him a big ol' box of cigars. Stupid Neighbor is about to refuse, but then realizes that they are Cuban cigars. So he keeps them, but not before asking, "These are illegal, right?" And Tony backhands him and tells him to get out, because such rampant stupidity is not allowed in the Soprano house. Oh, but wait, it is. Anyway, Tony just confirms that they are Cuban. And one quick aside, Cuban cigars are legal in every country in the entire world except for the US. If you wanted Cubans, it would really not be hard to, say, do some, uh, personal importing. Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything. So anyway, shut up, Stupid Neighbor. Tony takes a phone call from Paulie, who tells him that the thing happened and Juan Valdez has been separated from his donkey. Which is gangster-speak for something. Maybe I'll go buy a Mobster/English dictionary today. Stupid Neighbor tells Tony that he's been watching him putt in the backyard and invites him to come down and play golf at the Club, 'cause I guess Tony's been slumming it and playing at the public course. Tony says he'll think about it.

At some hotel, Paulie and Tony are in his-and-hers terry bathrobes while Christopher shows off the cash. Tony is excited and wants to use the cash to go legit. If by "legit" you mean "setting up a phony IPO and a brokerage firm to sell off stocks, after artificially inflating the price using insider trading tips." Their discussion of the stock market is cut off by the appearance of the Russian goomahs, who send them off to the Jacuzzi. And I'm not going to actually quote the little lady, because the image she created is not one I am really savoring. Thank me later. Christopher decides to forego the festivities in order to celebrate with Adriana. And I don't blame him at all, 'cause I wouldn't want to sit in a big Jacuzzi with Tony and Paulie either.

Christopher and Adriana are waiting on line at a really crowded burger joint after a night out on the town. I can't decide if Christopher tells Adriana everything or not. Does she know that he just killed some guy and took all his money and that's why they got to sit fifth row center at Rent and eat at Le Cirque? And how connected is he, anyway? I mean, I sort of doubt that even Tony could walk up and get those seats or that table. ["And what do they want burgers for if they just ate at Le Cirque?" -- Sars] Oh, whatever. Christopher starts to talk about his feelings, but then remembers that he's a Soprano and decides to pitch a fit about the crap-ass service at the burger joint. The entire place is filled with African-Americans just waiting. And waiting. Adriana ignores Christopher's racist hissyfitting and wonders aloud what it would be like to own a restaurant like Le Cirque. Christopher scoffs at her for picking a new career every thirty seconds, but she reminds him that it's that or ending up like Carmela Soprano with kids and stretch marks. Christopher makes some tacky Mark Fuhrman joke that finally gets him served. As they order, some man in a blue suit that Adriana had noticed earlier points out that Adriana looks pretty embarrassed by Christopher's bratting. A cop tells one of the man in blue's "homies" that Christopher is only a brat because he's hooked up with the Sopranos. Personally, I think he would be a brat anyway. In the parking lot, Adriana and Christopher are approached by some of the men from the burger joint, who tell them that they are affiliated with Massive Genius, the man in blue; he's a rapper who wants to talk business with the Soprano crew at a party he's having. They head over to Englewood Cliffs, and Christopher and Massive engage in a brief pissing war that ends when Massive tells Christopher that his people are all right, because Massive has seen The Godfather a bazillion times and Godfather III was just misunderstood. So that settles that, I guess. Massive gets down to business by explaining that he wants to set up a meeting with Hesh, because back in the day Hesh owned a record label that robbed Massive's distant cousin of his royalties. The cousin's song was a hit, but the family never saw any money. Massive wants the money his cousin is owed to give to his mom. Christopher opines that Hesh is the sweetest man he knows, but he's heard his opinion about giving back pieces of Israel and he can't even imagine what his opinion would be on this.

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