Real World
Zach's Girl Trouble

Episode Report Card
Stee: D | Grade It Now!
Zach Is A Fucking Douche
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously on...Svet cried to Martin on the phone how much she hates it there. She told the girls that Martin's dad is sick and it's a huge deal to her because Martin and his pops are very close. Zach's fro rolled around on the bed with waitress Crystal and her non-eyebrows. Zach told the boys that he fucked her. "Wow, that's great, dude," said Jose, unenthusiastically.

Credits. Tyler couldn't look gayer. Kids. Photoshop. Melanoma. Title.

Streets. Night. Bar. Zach hangs with Crystal. Zach camera-hairs that he hasn't met anyone -- since dating his ex -- who he likes spending as much time around as he does Crystal. The kids are all drinking. Sad, desperate girls dance on the bar, Daddy issues only deepening. Zach matches a pink shirt with a baby blue hat and rubs his Zachage all over the dancing Crystal's butt. Ew.

Outside, a drunk Zach tells the drunk Crystal's drunk Friend to take the drunk Crystal home and that he'll call drunk Crystal tomorrow when they're not so drunk. Zach and Janelle weave-walk home, Zach telling the "Please Don't Feed The Models"-t-shirt wearing Janelle that it wouldn't be "fair" of him to hook up with Crystal when she's drunk. What? Isn't that the whole point of alcohol? That's like saying you're not going to drive your car while it's so "full of gas." Feh. Zach says that Crystal is mad at him, but he was doing it for their "relationship" and is that okay? Janelle says that it's sooooo okay and very "respectable" of him. Zach doth camera-protest too much as he tells us that passing out together drunk at 2 AM wouldn't be very much fun and he doesn't "believe" in it. Janelle blathers on, super-slurring again that Zach is doing the right thing and being "such a sweetheart," but that on the other hand Crystal is just thinking about her own hormones, which are telling her, "Fuck me, Zach. Fuck me." Gah. Her hormones have dirty mouths. And terrible taste. Zach laughs.

Bridge. Lighthouse. Houses. Car. Zach and Tyler drive, having a Biggest Sunglasses contest. I think it's a draw. Tyler laughs that Zach is being a dick to Crystal. Zach, stuffy nose as usual, says that he's not being a dick. Obvious stock footage of the car driving, since there is no one in the passenger seat in the shot. (Unless this is the same day and Tyler's head is elsewhere right now. Hmmm?) Tyler goes on that Zach is stuck between what he "ought to do" and what he wants to do. Zach spins the tragic tale of his fat pubescence and how all his female friends would get used by dicky guys; he therefore vowed to never be like that. They discuss control, and Zach says that with just wanting to fuck Crystal and not date her, he's doing exactly what he didn't want to do when he was the sad fat kid. Tyler Noel-Cowards, "Uch. I am glad I'm gay." Delicious!

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Real World




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