Real World
White Men Can't Jump. Or Rap, or Dance.

Episode Report Card
Manimal: D | Grade It Now!
White Men Can't Jump. Or Rap, or Dance.

Previously: We meet the cast of the very first Real World. Eric Nies is an ass.

It's Eric. Oh, goody. And he's talking. Even. Better.

Eric is talking about some commercial he made that is very "controversial" because it's "too hot for TV." It's basically him and this model ripping off each other's clothes for Jovan Musk -- a fine, high-class product that is considered to be the Colt 45 of fragrances. Julie asks if he wasn't laughing. Eric says, no, because it was like they were "going at it." The fuck? Then, with all the subtlety of a small child at Show-n-Tell, he asks Julie and Becky if they want to see his modeling book. They shrug and say, "Sure."

"I'm Too Sexy" plays as Julie and Becky leaf through various pictures of Eric in water, Eric with his shirt off, Eric with his shiny, hairless man-titties a-gleam, standing in water, Eric looking like a towel boy for a gay bath house, etc., etc., etc. Eric covertly watches their reactions as he stirs the spaghetti. He's wearing a baseball hat backwards. While I hate every single hat Eric wears, it's sort of handy way to mark continuity in an episode. Next shot shows him handing Julie a spaghetti strand and murmuring, "Might be kind of hot." There's a shot of them both eating spaghetti noodles.

Julie says, "You're pretty cute in pictures," and then laughs when she realizes how that sounds. Becky is stone-faced, as per usual. I'm convinced Becky was high the entire season.

Scenic shots of New York. Julie's VO talks about Eric appearing on some talk show about sexy ads. The house gathers around. Heather looks bored. The rest of the cast looks indulgent or indifferent. Eric looks nervous.

Faith Daniels flaps her gums about ads so steamy they can "never be shown" on the networks. We see Eric whoring himself on the talk show. He comes out in his boxers. Cut to Eric talking about how they wanted him to come out in a g-string, but he thought that would just set himself up to be humiliated, so he decided to come out in shorts instead. Hah! More likely that the show producers realized Eric Nies' toolbox in a g-string would qualify the show as part of sci-fi programming. Julie looks skeptical.

Cut to Eric. He talks about how the commercial and the "controversy" will help him to get national "exposure."

Cut back to the house, in the living room. Eric asks what they think. Kevin shakes his head and says he thinks Eric should keep his clothes on. Zing! Score one for the Kev-ster. Eric says, half-jokingly, half-defensively, that he's going to take his clothes off as much as possible. Anyone who's watched RW New York realizes that's not an idle threat. Heather B. scoffs that it shows how the entire world is all about money, and that for the right price, anyone will take their clothes off. Ooh. As much as I dislike Eric, this is some pretty mean shit they're throwing down. More, more, more!

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Real World




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