Real World
Wedding Bells, Schmedding Bells

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Jessica: D | Grade It Now!
Wedding Bells, Schmedding Bells

Jon wants to marry "someone who's going to make me happy." Aw, that's so sweet and naïve. In reality, the person you marry, from what I have observed, makes you happy but also drives you crazy a lot of the time. ["That's damn right." -- Wing Chun]

Dom's bride-to-be? Young. Attractive. Free. Slutty. (I just inferred the last bit.)

Beth's only requirement is that her hubby not use drugs. Thanks for that, Nancy Reagan. Beth, I think a man would have to be ON drugs in order to even consider binding himself to you for all eternity.

Irene, in an interview, tells us that Jon said "the sweetest thing." He told her not to marry Tim and to marry him instead. Your "sweet," Irene, is my "psychotic stalker."

Church. Have you ever been to a wedding or seen one on TV? Then I don't need to describe it. Other than to say that the programs for the wedding are Pepto-Bismol pink, read "Together for Life," and make me vomit. That could be the Jack and Coke, but I think it's the program.

Oh, all right. All of Irene's bridesmaids are in fuchsia two-piece long dresses, which they will never wear again, and which one or two of them may even, at some point, burn. Irene marches down the aisle with her dad to the same song they play at the beginning of Masterpiece Theatre, and I think the fact that I can recognize the Masterpiece Theatre theme in, like, two seconds, more than makes up for the fact that I don't know what it's called. Her dress is like the foufiest, cheesiest, fluffiest wedding dress ever. It has bows. It has sequins. It has pearls. It has lace. It has beading. It is Too Much. I see myself in something much simpler, much sleeker, much more "my husband, Scott Speedman, took me to Vera Wang and let me charge a little something on his Am Ex Platinum."

Dom says Irene looked beautiful. And, truly, despite the dress, and the hair, and the unfortunate shade of lipstick, she does. Because she's a bride. And they generally look beautiful, because they're all glow-y and whatnot. I start to weep into my cocktail.

Jon declares that, at Irene's wedding, he couldn't help thinking about his own future wedding. To the Queen of Country, LeAnn Rimes! Okay, he didn't say that, and thank God, because in 1993, LeAnn Rimes was, like, ten, but you know that's the kinda gal Jon wants. A little bit country, and a little bit...more country.

Dom says that he thinks Irene will treat Tim "real good." You know Dom's a real softy, deep down. I think he's drunk, too.

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Real World




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