Real World
Wedding Bells, Schmedding Bells

Episode Report Card
Jessica: D | Grade It Now!
Wedding Bells, Schmedding Bells

The cast berates the poor salesman at Macy's, who looks like Mackenzie Astin from The Facts of Life in a mustard-colored Century 21 blazer. I am so bored. If I wanted to watch people shop, I'd go to the mall, where, as I understand it, such things happen.

Dom chooses a set of beer mugs for the happy couple. I might just drop dead from the shock of that. Apropos of nothing, Tami hollers that she "went with the edible panties!" To quote Seattle David, thank you for telling me that.

Tami voice-overs that Irene has been planning the wedding ever since she moved into the beach house. And, indeed, we then are treated to several long, boring minutes of wedding plans. Note cards. Notebooks. Notes. RSVPs. Limo drivers. DJs. Caterers. NO ONE CARES. If I wanted to plan a wedding, I'd get married. Except I don't have a boyfriend. Fuck. Now I'm depressed. Fuck you and your wedding, Irene!

I start to drink.

Jon tells us that the last night Irene was in the house, she gave each of her roommates little buttons that reminded her of them. We see the group, without Beth, sitting around the kitchen table as Irene tells them that the buttons represent what she thinks of each of them. "Is this sarcastic?" Glen asks warily, reading his. "Of course it is," Irene snips. Glen reads his aloud. It says, "Stay Tuned: I Could Say Something Brilliant at Any Moment." Yes, that must be sarcastic, because the likelihood of Glen saying anything brilliant, ever, is equivalent to the likelihood that I will quit my job and go to work for George W. Bush, which is to say, about as likely as a lasting peace in the Middle East and a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for Carrot Top. "I don't know how to take this," Glen comments, as Irene gives Dom his button, which says, "What's Wrong? Is it My Hair?" Dom takes this junior-high-style ribbing with a good-natured grin. Jon's button says, "I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up." He purses his lips and looks like he's going to cry, he's so touched by the fucking button. Tami laughs hysterically and slaps the table. Aaron's button reads, "It's Not Easy Being Cute." He laughs awkwardly. Tami gets her button last, and she bursts into maniacal, gleeful chortling when she reads it: "Someone Has to Be the Bitch." Well, Irene hit that right on the button, so to speak. See what I just did there? With the button, and that cliché about...did I mention that I've been drinking? I have been.

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Real World




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