Real World
The Loins Mike Sprang From

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Gustave: C- | Grade It Now!
The Loins Mike Sprang From

Okay, I lied. Maybe if they cut to another housemate's activities at this point and the next two paragraphs were about someone other than Mike, I might have been able to refrain from talking smack about him. But that didn't happen, so I'm going to renege on that pledge. Back home, Mike -- who still has that look on his face -- starts bitching out the other housemates for not buying paper towels. Apparently, Mike feels that since he has a job, the housemates who don't have jobs should be going out and buying the paper towels. I guess this makes sense on some level, but if you want someone to run errands, bringing up their lack of employment isn't exactly the most persuasive course of action. Needless to say, the house isn't having any of it. Lars gets in Mike's face and tells him to "go outside and run or cycle and don't sit here all day and bitch at us." Mike is all, "Why?" Lars is all, "What's the point of bitching at us all day?" "What's the point of not doing anything all week?" asks Mike. "What's the point of bitching at us all week?" asks Lars. "'Cause I'm going to bitch at you all week," says Mike and the conversation continues for, like, twenty more minutes along those lines. Finally, Lars points out to Mike that he was just complaining about his father's bitching and here he is, bitching at his housemates the same way that Mike's father bitches at him. Mike backs down, grabs his backpack, and exits the house while the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon, when you comin' home, Mike, I don't know when, but we'll get together then, Mike, you know we'll have a good time then!

Oh wait, Mike's parents haven't left yet. After a series of b-roll "sights of London" shots, the family is shown sitting down for a meal in an English pub. Mike's father orders decaf and asks the waiter what "you all in England think decaf is." Apparently, English decaf doesn't measure up to Mr. Johnson's exacting standards. Unfortunately, we don't get to hear what the waiter says or even see the expression on his face, but I can only imagine. Now, I don't know anything about the quality of decaf in London. I know that when you order decaf in Spain, for instance, you get a foil packet of Nescafe powder served beside a cup of hot water, but I was never under the impression that St. Louis was full of eating establishments that serve you freshly brewed Swiss process decaf either. I'm thinking that the decaf tastes funny to Mike's dad because everything the Johnsons have eaten or imbibed since they arrived on the continent contains a significant amount of their waiter's urine and/or saliva. Mike's parents nag him some more about getting a job. Mike drops more hints about how great it would be to find a sponsor. Mike's dad makes a crack about the Queen of England appearing out of nowhere and handing him the sponsorship money. I know there's a joke to be made here about a "queen" handing Mike money, but I can't really think of one that does this moment justice.

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Real World




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