Real World
The Loins Mike Sprang From

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The Loins Mike Sprang From

Later that night, Mike makes the groundbreaking discovery (in front of a very bored-looking Lars and Jay) that (a) his father wants him to fail, (b) he's turning into his father, and (c) he's always sought his father's approval. Ooh! Time to write a letter to Alan Ball. Maybe he'll write a screenplay about your life. But seriously, Mike, you are your father. You are OCD white male trash with no manners, self-awareness, or communication skills. What's this "becoming" shit? Hey, maybe now's a good time to play "Father Figure" by George Michael or "Cat's in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin.

A stray dog roams the streets of London, picking through garbage cans. A reference to Jacinda's dog Legend? A sexual conquest of Mike's? A viewer like me trying to find something exciting to write about? Who knows? Some girl who is not Jay's girlfriend is on the phone with Jay. Jay explains in an interview that the girl is Marisa, and that she went to writing camp with him. Apparently, her mother is giving her the money to go to London. Jay is ecstatic. Okay, sorry; I know that there are places called writing camps -- I even see ads for them in the back of The New York Times Magazine next to the ads for fat camps -- but all I can think about at the mention of "writing camp" is a bunch of homesick kids strapped to their laptops with lanyards sitting around some campfire while some mean fat counselor singles out one of the more delicate kids and shames him in front of his entire cabin for ending a sentence with a preposition. Jay tells us that Marisa was his first love, but that she didn't feel the same way he did. Well, not until camera crews started following him around London, anyway. In the living room, Mike and Jay play pool. Jay tells Mike that Marisa is gorgeous, but that she's not Mike's type. I'm guessing that's because she's neither a man in drag nor a blackout drinker. Mike bites anyway and asks Jay what he means. Jay replies that she's a "poet." Yeah, that whole "literacy" thing is always a turnoff for Mike.

But then Marisa's plane lands and it becomes clear why Mike wouldn't like Marisa: Marisa is African-American. Not that anyone notices or anything. Marisa's also got huge knockers. She displays them to perfection the moment she steps off the plane. You know how the visiting girlfriends in these reality shows always look a little uncomfortable at first because they're not as used to the cameras as the regular cast members are? This is not an issue with Marisa; she is perfectly happy to work it for Bunim-Murray. Frankly, I think Marisa looks like one of those truly charismatic lesbians who went to my college and always had to transfer to Sarah Lawrence by their junior year because they'd already slept with and dumped all the available women on campus. Jay and Marisa ride the Underground from Heathrow into London and play footsie on the train. In a voice-over, Jay explains that he loved Marisa the moment he read her first play, even before he met her, and "then she turned out to be this gorgeous girl." Just wait until you get an AOL account, Jay. There are so many surprises in store for you, laddie boy!

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Real World

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