Real World
The Battle of New Orleans

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Kim: D | Grade It Now!
The Battle of New Orleans

Previously, on the Real World: Okay, my tape cut off the very beginning of this, but from what I saw, Melissa said she thinks David's muscles are too big. David said "she" (Melissa?) knows he loves women and is a "playa person." I am officially tired of the word "playa." So, from those humble beginnings, we can discern that this episode will be about Melissa and David. Well, it could be worse. It could be Julie and Matt. I'm sure that will come later in the season.

After credits, it's morning at South Fork. I mean, Belfort. Jamie goes for a jog and must not come back until the end of the episode because he's barely in it. Danny still has on that gray sweater from last week. Kelley is walking around in her "pajamas," which consist of a black camisole and black boy-cut underwear. Melissa and David are preparing for a trip to the grocery store. Melissa asks David if he put condoms on the list and calls him "Mr. Lover Man." David sings out, "Shabba!" as in the song. In an interview, Melissa says that with David, the "connection was immediate" and it's "based solely on being a minority." Well, I knew she didn't like him for his personality, or his song-writing ability. As they leave the house, Melissa asks David if he has his beeper (which is an atypical meta-reference to "The Project") and tells him to call a cab. David says, "Thank you for giving me light," which doesn't really make any sense, but I guess was a reference to Melissa's bossiness, because she was all telling him what to do.

Once they are in the cab, Melissa tells David that she falls in love quickly and gets crushes really bad and that she has a crush on him. Well, she didn't say that last part, but you know that's what the producers want us to be thinking, so I thought I would just spell it out for you. You're welcome. In an interview, David says he could be faithful and that Melissa is excited, animated and she is beautiful. She reminds him of the girlfriend that broke up with him and started his whole "metamorphis. [sic]" Throughout the interview segments, there were a lot of non-sequiturs, so I started trying to guess what question the interviewer had asked to elicit the desired response. For example, I imagine that the interviewer asked David something like, "Do you think Melissa is beautiful?" because of his emphasis on the word "is" in his response. But we stupid viewers just think, "Hey, David thinks Melissa is purty!" Anyway, David tells Melissa he was fat when he was younger and he had a Jheri curl, and he was intelligent but not like he is today. So he used to be intelligent, but now he's not? This conversation is all edited to pieces, so I can't even make fun of what they're saying. Well, I can and I will, but I feel a little weird about it. Melissa says something about The Nutty Professor II, maybe referring to fat little David. In an interview, David says again that Melissa is beautiful and that she's a lot of things that Grace (his former girlfriend?) was, and he doesn't know how to feel about that. So I guess the interviewer asked how Melissa reminds him of Grace. See, isn't it fun to try to guess the questions? The responses make so much more sense that way. Back in the cab, David tells Melissa that he doesn't ever want to see Grace again and looking at Melissa makes him think of Grace constantly and makes him want to stay away, and that he thought that would be a problem, but apparently it's not. Throughout this soliloquy, David avoids eye contact with Melissa, instead looking out the window. Melissa says she's glad things worked out because since they are the "two brown people" in the house, she "won't have [him] being nasty to her."

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