Real World
She Puts The "Rachel" In "Cocktease"

Episode Report Card
Stee: C- | Grade It Now!
Be All The Pussboy That You Can Be
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Opening credits are going the way of the dodo as increased commercial time makes producers less willing to devote thirty precious seconds to having a full opening credit sequence. (Think Lost.) So enjoy Mel jiggling her giant fake boobs while you still can.

Man, I'm glad SXSW is over. So is Danny, I'm sure, so Mel won't be indiscriminately blowing anyone but him. Austin. Austin. Traffic. Mural. Bridge. Warehouse. Rachel talks to her boyfriend Erik on the phone. He sounds very happy and cheerful...and whipped to within an inch of his life. She tells him about all the loving she's going to be treating him to when he arrives. Also, while they're having sex, someone will watch their dog, which he's bringing. Vomit, and also, VOMIT! Rachel camera-lies about how excited she is to see the dog. Oh yeah, and the pudgy guy at the other end of the leash. She and Erik exchange schmoopies until she gets off the phone, visions of slapping flab with Erik dancing around in her brain...along with the PTSD and all those Jacob's Ladder drugs the U.S. government still tests on soldiers. Rachel asks Danny and Mel if her "tiny and cute" dog can come visit with Erik. Johanna says it's fine. Wes fucks with her about being allergic to "white-haired dogs" until he gets tired of distracting himself from all the sex he's not getting from Johanna, and agrees to a visit from "Reese."

Street. Danny and Mel walk, holding hands. Danny tells Mel that he hasn't called the detective yet. He says he's going to, though. Danny then camera-talks, of course first saying that he'd rather beat the guy's ass, but then saying that, in the long run, it's going to be better if he presses charges on "this kid." He tells Mel that he doesn't want the "little shit" to get away with it. Danny and Mel then launch into some discarded Monica and Chandler dialogue from the last season of Friends: "Take your aggression out on me, in bed." "The whole two seconds?" Wah-wah. (Oh, and also, VOMIT!)

Rain. Puddle. Pipe. Rain. Warehouse. Danny calls Detective Jerry Sullivan, explaining to us, because he thinks we can't put two and two together, that Sullivan is going to help him put his case together. Sully (can I call him Sully?) asks Danny to describe what happened, and Danny describes leaving a bar and being harassed (we see this all happen in flashback -- with bonus "dramatic" heartbeat sound effects thrown in for extra blah-citement!) Then someone pushed Wes, and Danny went over to help, and somehow he ended up on the ground (he conveniently leaves out how he got there) and some dude caved his face in; he broke four bones in his face and required plastic surgery. (Yikes. I wonder if he went to Mel's plastic surgeon.) Because Sully clearly has no idea whom he's dealing with and hasn't worked on the case at all, he asks Danny whether he got a good look at the guy who knocked his eye into his brain. Danny reveals that they have it all on tape. We see that Danny had a Livestrong bracelet on during the fight. Yeah, that didn't really protect him, did it? He should have worn a "Don't Cave My Face In" bracelet instead. Sully tells Danny to come in, and to bring the tape. While Danny camera-talks about it hurting every day, still, and not wanting the kid to be able to laugh and brag about it to his friends, we see photos of Danny's face from the hospital. Yowza.

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Real World




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