Real World

Episode Report Card
Stee: C- | Grade It Now!
Meet The New Cast. Same As The Old Cast.

We're back. Tiny plane. Svet is scared. Tyler is calm and red-faced. Tyler jokes about crashing again, and Svet hits him. The plane shakes. Svet camera-talks that she's praying and telling God that she'll be a "good Jewish girl." Then stop killing his son. (Kidding!) She then spreads her legs and flops her hands in front of her vagina to air it out. She looks like a Thalidomide baby trying to masturbate. (Obscure and in amazingly poor taste, in one shot! Take that, Dennis Miller.)

Meanwhile, Zach, John, and Janelle get on a boat and discover that they're all single. "It's the only way to go, dude," says John. Get used to it, buddy.

Meanwhile, Jose tells Paula and us (lucky us!) about his rough upbringing in the "ghetto" -- which is clearly where he learned to wax his eyebrows and wear his yellow Polo shirts with the collar up. Also, apparently, the ghetto is where he got the "Mutual Funds" he cashed out and bought his first house with -- as he tells us. Shit, I guess I shouldn't talk. A relative bought me a fifty-dollar savings bond when I was born. Shit, when I cashed it seven years ago when I was broke: four hundo, baby! I should have bought a house. That was dumb. Paula is proud of Jose. So am I.

Back on the plane. They land on the water on pontoons. Sexy men pick them up in a boat. They boat to their house, which is right on the water. The house is yellow and huge and has a pool and a deck and...whatever. Have you seen any of the previous sixteen seasons? Well, then you know exactly what it looks like.

Tyler and Svet ooh and ahh for a while. We get the Meet The House Montage replete with generic rock song and lots of fast pans with wide-angle lens. Janelle, John, and Zach arrive, noting the cabana outside and the butterfly atrium. Oh, poor butterflies. Someone call the ASPCA because those fuckers are not going to survive the night. The roommates meet. Tyler camera-talks that he expected John to chug a beer and smash the can on his head. He then says that Janelle was a little bitchy. Zach thinks Svet is hot. Svet thinks the same. They realize that Svet is nineteen and call her "the baby" and then she camera-bitches about it, saying that bad boyfriend Martin "babies" her a lot. Well, until last year he was also "committing statutory rape." John says that Svet's having a boyfriend is going to "get interesting."

Svet and John cook food and flirt; he makes up a nickname for her: "Funbags." She will call him "Sackface." Rapier wits, here. More flirting.

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Real World




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