Real World
Premiere

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Stee: C- | Grade It Now!
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Meet The New Cast. Same As The Old Cast.

Paula tells us that she needs a fresh start because she recently became "kinda, a little bit bulimic." She should go to "Kinda, A Little Bit Bulimics Anonymous." I heard they do great work. She hugs her mom, who is proud of her for absolutely no reason.

Tyler loads (heh) up his car. He tells us that he doesn't know how his new roommates will take to his personality. People either love him or hate him, he tells us. A shitty rock song plays. I hate it immediately.

Janelle is from San Jose, and hugs her mom goodbye. She's half-black, half-white and she hopes that people are going to accept her for that. Really? Her roommates on MTV's The Real World? It's not like this is 1951's Texaco Fun Time Reality Hour. I think she'll be okay.

John does a "bit" with his blow-up doll.

Zach plays tennis. He then camera-talks, his giant hair pushed in at a weird angle, as if he'd been beaned in the noggin with a giant kickball from above. He tells us that he's always played it safe, and that this experience is going to broaden his horizons. Yes, it'll make you live a life full of disappointment and "Hey, aren't you that dude from The Real World with the giant Jewfro? Ew, you're old now."

Jose talks about how he's never been to the Keys, and that he knows they have lots of hurricanes.

And...cue hurricane. Wow, it's a famous one. It's Katrina! Hi, Katrina! We get shots of the hurricane hitting Key West (days before it would stall, gain strength, and then hit New Orleans). Paula is stuck in Miami. She camera-talks that Katrina has "foiled her plan" to meet her roommates. Aw. Katrina's littlest victim. We get various shots of the kids all waiting in their respective Florida outposts. Tyler is in a leaky shanty somewhere. He reads to us from his journal. John is in a hotel. He thinks that bad weather follows him. Zach slept on the floor of his room. Wind. Wind. Devastation. Janelle looks out the window, and it's finally sunny. Yay! What a relief. Svetlana talks about having seen a tornado, she thinks...but don't tell her if it really was because she'll die, for some reason, after the fact, if it really was. Hate. Zach is excited. The lens of whatever camera he has with him is crazy water-damaged. So is his hair. Minus the "water" part. And the "damaged."

Day! Beach. Tyler meets Svet. He speaks Russian to her, very excited that she's Russian because he can speak it a little. She acts fakely excited. Her dead face camera-talks to us that she came over from Russia when she was young and had an accent and everyone teased her. Tyler camera-snarks that Svetlana's Russian to a "T," and that he wanted to ask her where her "goddamn mink" was. You do not ask to see a girl's "fur" the first time you meet her. Trust me. They don't react well. In joking about some bracelets around his wrist, Tyler reveals that he's gay. (Clunky sentence, but you know what I mean.) Svet laughs nervously, and then tells us she's glad, because that's one guy fewer she's going to totally cheat on her serious boyfriend with. She doesn't quite say it like that, but I'm fluent in Real World-er subtext by now. (Although, as in Shakespeare plays, there rarely is any subtext whatsoever.)

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Real World

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