Real World
Pardon My French

Episode Report Card
Kim: B- | Grade It Now!
Pardon My French

My recording of this preview starts with about five minutes of Road Rules, because why would MTV start a show on time when they can start it five minutes late or five minutes early? But then I remember that, unlike what usually happens, the end of the preview didn't get cut off five minutes early, meaning that this preview was only about twenty-five minutes long. When you take out the commercials and the stupid montages of previous seasons and the terrible segments featuring the hosts, there was probably six minutes of actual footage from the upcoming season. Bitches.

The show opens with some of the new roommates doing a confessional where they recite the familiar opening words of the series and laugh. Then we get quick shots of each roommate as an electric guitar Jimi Hendrix-ripoff version of "La Marseillaise" plays.

The camera pans down on the Paris casino in Las Vegas to reveal Arissa and Steven from the Las Vegas season sitting on a loveseat in front of a pool. I don't know. Arissa welcomes us with a lot of overenunciation and way too much eyebrow action. Just when I'm starting to burst out laughing at how bad Arissa is as a host, Steven pipes up, with no inflection, "And we thought we had it going on in the city of sin." Imagine that said in a robotic voice as if being pronounced phonetically by a non-native English speaker, and you've got Steven's delivery. This leads to a montage of the new roommates celebrating the fact that they are in Paris and get to live in a castle. This basically consists of them repeatedly going, "We're in Paris!" and "I can't believe I'm in Paris, France!" In case you thought this season was set in Paris, Idaho. The Eiffel Tower is the new Space Needle.

Back to Steven and Arissa, who talk about déjà vu, and introduce some montages from previous seasons. The first one features people swearing. Most of the clips are from Las Vegas, but we do get to relive Dan calling Melissa a "stupid bitch" in Miami (although they don't include the part where she calls him a flamer, and I wonder if they would even show that on MTV nowadays), and the unforgettable segment -- and winner of many a forum thread on "Best Real World moments -- Vaj calling Montana a "whooooooooore." We also get to see Melissa telling David to "time the fuck out" in New Orleans, which is one of my favorites, mostly because the other roommates are totally cracking up. Ah, good times. This is not making me excited about the new season. It's just making me sad that the show has sucked for the last three years. Steven is wearing makeup from the Siegfried and Roy line of cosmetics. He looks like a corpse. Anyway, Arissa and Steven introduce a montage of the Paris roommates trying to speak French, but since we don't know who these people are yet, it's really not that interesting. The bottom line is that they don't speak much French. Surprise. But they do get to take a French class. Wow, Steven is really, really bad.

Now it's time to meet the first cast member. Her name is Mallory, and she's eighteen years old and from Illinois. She plays Division One soccer in college, and she's there on scholarship. She's not that into soccer anymore, and wants to get out and experience life a little more. So you are not surprised to hear that she's a virgin, and that she doesn't believe in casual sex. She also likes to drink and make out with boys. She's basically Elka (pretty, sheltered virgin) crossed with Trishelle (uses alcohol to avoid taking responsibility for her behavior).

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Real World




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