Real World
Montana Gets A New Mattitude

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Montana Gets A New Mattitude

Back in a confessional, Genesis beams, "Finally. Finally, finally, finally I got to go to my first gay bar. And I was so happy, because Kameelah and Sean went with me." Back in the firehouse, Kameelah and Sean hold off on their mutual tirades until Genesis is three steps out of earshot before Sean notes, "The worst thing about it was when they had that strip show." For the last time, lumberjack, it was NOT a strip show. One false move with those drag outfits and it's sock-filled bras and extra-strength duct tape all over that stage. The show is about the clothes. The clothes stay on. Shut up. Good thing Genesis is so happy with her great, great friends and their liberated reactions to this night. Genesis returns to the room and mounts Sean as the latter-day INXS classic "Elegantly Wasted" rings through the night. He didn't have to die, man.

I dig with even more alacrity through my personal CD archive on an active search-and-recovery mission for Now That's What I Call Music, Volume I as Fiona's "Sleep to Dream" reminds me of how much I miss college and 1997 and my parent's money. When I surface for air several hours later with nothing more to show for my quest than a mix tape containing no fewer than six Alanis Morissette songs and a gag-gift copy of the Titanic soundtrack, I discover Montana on the phone with Vaj, asking, "How's your girlfriend?" With a certain amount of hemming and a bit more hawing, we're off to a confessional, where we learn from Montana that "Vaj has been on a couple of dates with another girl." Montana discovers her name is "Sarah," and breathily repeats the name, because her competing levels of jealous and psychotic have finally both reached fever pitch. Fiona sings, "I said tell me the truth but you don't dare" and Bunim-Murray go tumbling to the floor from the sheer force that comes from patting oneself that hard on the back, what with the cleverness of it all. Montana puts it into rationalized synopsis form: "I have mixed feelings about that. On one side, it alleviates any guilt that I felt about seeing Matt. On the other hand, I'm not gonna lie and say that it doesn't sting a little bit to think of Vaj out on a date with another girl." Back on the phone, Montana expresses surprise that Vaj would go out with someone "so soon." Hear, hear. I've lived in this city my entire life and it is impossible to date here. No one does it successfully. No one. Oh, except for Vaj, of course. Montana tells Vaj that she's not enjoying the long-distance aspect of their relationship, and that, as she haikus, "Our relationship right now, to me, brings me no pleasure, because it brings me pain." Yikes. Syntax police, arrest that firehouse dweller! Who wrote this scene, anyway, The Real World's new script consultant, Yoda? Oh, wait, I forgot that The Real World isn't written, scripted, or manipulated in any way. Oh, wait, I forgot that it totally is.

Genesis is on the phone with Adam, who expresses enthusiasm that she decided to call him. They're going to go out for some party fun times, and she tells him to come over the house before they get their night started. Kameelah, not dealing well with Genesis finding her voice in the house at all, asks, "Is he going to come over as a man or a woman?" Which would be a little like if Genesis had befriended a member of the traveling national tour of Les Miserables and fretted repeatedly, "Yeah, but he's not going to come over decked out in full Jean Valjean regalia, is he?" It's an act, Kameelah. A stage persona. But she can't hear my didactic life lesson, because she's too busy dashing to find Sean in the house to conspiratorially report, "That guy is coming over tonight. Eve. But he's Adam tonight. That's gonna be some mess." Gee willikers, Kameelah, do you think you could try being a little more callous and belittling of anyone else's lifestyle that isn't, y'know, yours? Oh, wait, you can: "That's what I'd like to see. I'd like to meet Adam." Because it's all about you, Kameelah. ["I wonder if 'boys who dress up as girls' is an item on her voluminous list." -- Sars]

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