Real World
Melissa is My Unfunny Valentine

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Kim: D | Grade It Now!
Melissa is My Unfunny Valentine

Previously on The Real World: Julie's brother, Alan, was coming to visit. Funny, previously they only mentioned that some guy was coming to visit Julie, and didn't say that it was her brother. Yet, they try to make it out like we knew that all along. Danny has a boyfriend named Paul, who is in the military, so he cannot be out to the general public, because the American government is stupid and backward. Well, the "stupid and backward" part is my editorializing. Danny said the rest of it. Kelley met a guy named Peter, who has a girlfriend who does not live in New Orleans. So Kelley is going to laissez les bon temps rouler!

At a club called 735, Danny is bartending topless. I nearly get swept away by a river of drool, originating from every straight woman and gay man in North America (except me). Good thing I have flood insurance! Seriously, I think Danny is okay and all, but I don't understand the lust he inspires in so many. He really doesn't even have that great of a body. He's actually kind of...well, flabby. I don't mean fat flabby, I just mean non-toned flabby. I don't mind a little flab here and there, but if you're going to work in a topless environment, you should at least have the goods. Anyway, I know that no one out there agrees with me on this, so I'll shut up now. In an interview, Danny says that he works on Thursday nights, and it's an opportunity to make a lot of money. Well, only if he gets his ass to the gym Monday through Wednesday. Oops, I said I was done with that issue, didn't I? Sorry. Danny continues the interview by saying that working there is a temptation because there are "so many good-looking people." We see him in the bar, meeting some guy named "Wes," who I don't think is all that good-looking, but then again, he doesn't care what I think, since I'm female. In an interview, Danny says there is "a battle between putting his time and effort into Paul" or meeting new people in New Orleans. Well, he's allowed to meet new people. He just can't kiss them and stuff. Wes asks Danny if he'll be bartending all night and Danny says that he has to be good and he doesn't need to get into trouble. How did that answer his question? Is this some sort of gay code language that I just don't know about? God, I'm so old and boring. Anyway, a moment later, Wes forgets Danny's name and Danny teases him about it, and gives him the old sparkle-eyes, and for about two seconds I see what everyone likes so much about Danny. Then I see a flash of armpit hair, and it's gone. He had me, and he lost me.

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Real World




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