Real World
Meet Old Heather

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: D | Grade It Now!
Meet Old Heather

Sunrise. Beach. Boat. House. Inside the beach house on this gorgeous Miami morning, we learn that Dan's entire family is coming for a visit. Two brothers (one's fourteen, the other twenty-five) along with the parental units. Dan feels "uncomfortable" with this and anticipates "conflict" during the four-day visit. He heaves a giant sigh. I yawn expansively. My dog settles down for a nap.

Dan shows Mike his modeling book. There are a lot of pictures of Dan in it. Wow. During their non-chat we learn that Dan has gotten the cover of a magazine -- well, a free monthly for the gay community. Still, he's a cover boy. Dan feels he looks like a "big queer" in the photo. Considering it's for a gay magazine, maybe that's a good thing? But no, he's worried about what his mom will think. Sigh. Mike says Dan is "rising to the big time." Yeah, dude. Watch him go. Oh, wait.

Mike's on the phone with Old Heather. Even though we haven't seen her yet, we all know the woman is old. Not just older than Mike -- she's OLD. She's soccer-mom old. She's musty-old-book old. Dirt? The hills? Sliced bread? All not as old as Old Heather. Old Heather is gushing in a manner more becoming to, say, a fifteen-year-old who knows her conversation with her b.f. is not going to be on television: "I've never loved anybody like I love you! I've never felt this way before!" Really? In all your many years, no one has ever set your old boat afloat the way Mike does? How very sad. Mike holds his head in his hands during the gush. He then calls Old Heather his "ex-girlfriend of two and a half years." So they've been exes for two and a half years, or what? Syntax, people! Mike goes on to say, "There's a lot of issues...I'm confused." No, you're just a lunkhead, honey. Back to Old Heather's yammering: "I believe things happen for a reason, and that timing is everything...." Mike, the clod, says, "I'm twenty-four years old, I've got a lot of things to do." Yeah, like not starting a business and having a threesome. Those are in your immediate future. Enjoy! Old Heather then invites Mike up to Boston for a long weekend. By the enthusiasm in his voice I can only imagine she agreed to buy his plane ticket.

Hands are pushing food around on plates at a restaurant. Really, the shot is that tight. Hands moving food, that's all I've got. Then Mike says, "I am not ready. She would dedicate her life to making me happy. But I'm not ready." God, presumptuous much? Who ever said that's what relationships are anyway -- one person trying to make the other one happy? In a slob's dreams, I guess. Joe, the other set of hands, says, "Don't worry about that -- worry when she stops." Oh, GAWD. Then Joe sputters and gags -- proof there is a higher power! He says, "I got a bone!" Mike says "heh," so I don't have to. No, it's actually a jagged piece of metal. Gnarly! There's a really good shot of it over Joe's shoulder. Mike gets happy and says, "That's a free meal. You always want the bad thing at the end, so you get a full meal for free." Oh, the Tao of Mike is so flawed. In response to this I only can think of the schoolyard joke: What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. Joe says he is "skeeved." I should hope so.

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Real World




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