Real World
Kissing Professor Stoner's Ass

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Alex Richmond: D | Grade It Now!
Kissing Professor Stoner's Ass

Flora and Sarah's room. They fight some more. "Are you not going to talk to me for the next eight weeks?" "If you don't know why I'm not talking to you, I'd rather you not apologize to me." "Do you want to tell me now or later?" Flora gets a haughty, faux-dignified look on her puss and says, all upwards-rising-inflection-y, "The sucking thing?" Sarah says bringing up sex when they were talking business "really offends [her]. So to get back at [Flora], that's what [she] said." That Tracy Bonham song plays, "I'm losing my mind, everything's FIIINE!" Anvil.

Mark is back with his agenda. He's faxed it to Landon and has copies for everyone there. "I'll only get involved with the mutual consent of all of you. I want the same opportunities to buy shares as you have. Are you comfortable?" Flora raises her gorgon head and says, "I am comfortable, it's your idea and our money..." then her voice fades out, and Joan Osborne gets cranked way up, singing, "My right hand! My right hand maaan!" It's raining anvils, people, run for cover. And we go back to the yellow pirate shirt-interview, and Flora says some bullshit about being Mark's partner, "but not equal partner," and working "together in peace and harmony." Oh, Christ, I need a drink.

We're back at Fordham University. Iggy Pop's "Lust for Life" starts playing. Joe has lust for huge women. Hee. He's in class with Professor Stoner. Duude. The Prof has white hair and a beard. He doesn't look high. Cordell beams as he introduces Joe to the class. Most of Joe's classmates glower. I hate special treatment, too, my fellow glower-ees! Joe says in his absurd Brooklynese, "I need to make a fawmal apawlogy to Pwofessa Stona. Dis is the only priority in my life." What a crock! Via interview, we learn, "I had to show something of my contribution. I must graduate. I painted a picture of Joe the fuck-up." How about Joe, the tense misuser? Jesus. Then, back in class, Joe says, "I went to Miami to start a business with seven people, then found myself with a bay outside my window, and a pool and a Jacuzzi and a pool table, and just got caught up in the whole craziness of it." His classmates wipe their eyes and play tiny violins en mass. Professor Stoner charges across the room and emphatically embraces Joe. I barf. Now I know Professor Stoner smokes. Dude, don't bogart that...oh, never mind, I'm almost finished. No, pass it over here after all.

Time for a meaningless conclusion. Sarah plays with Leroy. Aww! Puppy! So cute! He barks, and my dog, Artie, wakes up and stares at the TV. Flora says via voice-over that she'll be "mad for five minutes then come back...[she's] a very kind person." BA HA HA! No really, she said that. Sarah washes dishes at the sink and Flora dries, and they chat about who should be president of Delicious Deliveries. Well, Flora chats and Sarah says "yeah?" and "mm-hmm!" Leroy chases his tail. Flora and Sarah teach him to play fetch. Artie stares at the TV. Artie could be on TV. He's that cute. In an abrupt cut, Dan holds Leroy up to the confessional camera and says Leroy is "the best thing to happen to the house -- it's positive." Everyone laughs and plays with the dog. What a bunch of simpletons.

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Real World




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