Real World
Don't Ever Call Melissa a Bitch! EVER!

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Alex Richmond: D | Grade It Now!
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Don't Ever Call Melissa a Bitch! EVER!

First, I must note a Miami Real World recapping milestone: I just switched over to tape two, the twelfth episode. Huge shout-outs to Wing, Glark, and Sars for ruling and rocking my world, to everyone on the Miami boards for getting along and being cool, and to the Queens of the Stone Age for rocking my world.

Okay, back to the show. Did I mention I made it to tape two? Well, I missed a bit of this episode (eight minutes, to be exact) so we miss the part where Sarah's homies (Abe, Hank and Paul, all cuties) arrive, and the part where they and the rest of the Miami Clown Machine (tm sgib) go out to eat and Melissa dares to suggest that Sarah's friends look slobby or something, and Sarah's friends totally burn Melissa by picking up the check with their American Express card, and Melissa has to eat her snooty words. My tape does have the oh-so-brilliant Snickers ad with the guy and his Panda Fancy magazine cornering his co-workers who don't want to have "panda lunch" with him. You know what pandas have for lunch, don't you? They have bamboo. Someone give that guy my phone number; I'll have panda lunch with him. Really. I like nerds. I do!

Anyway, we see some shots of the house at night, then move inside to see Sarah roughhousing with her three homies. Cynthia calls them "nice guys, silly and mature at the same time." Sounds good to me. Then, suddenly, it's daytime and the same crew is hanging out by the pool, with Sarah in a string bikini. Someone else say woo-hoo; I already have boobies. Cynthia is talking about Melissa's dis of Sarah's friends, saying, "She should know all your friends are cool!" Sarah says Melissa measures success by appearance, adding, "I feel way more accomplished than her. We contributed more than she ever will." Yes, this was back in the day, before Bill Gates and other dot-com billionaires like Wing, Sars, and Glark came along to change our perceptions of what success looks like. ["At this precise moment, success looks like dirty hair and pyjamas at 4:30 PM. Heh." -- Wing Chun] Of course, now a lot of dot-coms have busted, but hey, things change. Everyone has a laugh at Melissa's expense. She is the Rae Dawn Chong of the house -- pretty, but it didn't quite happen for her like people though it would. Ha ha ha!

It's night again at the house. The hours pass so quickly here. Melissa is sitting in her bed, gabbing with Flora and Cynthia. "I have no problem saying I'm sorry," says Melissa. "I said it twice." Cynthia murmurs that she thought Melissa apologized to Sarah's friends, but not to Sarah herself. Melissa, quick like a bunny, changes the subject, asking "So we have a business meeting tomorrow? I've been trying to do like one thing a day for the business." Wow, a real unitasker. I bet Sarah and her homies would have to be more accomplished than Melissa Rae Dawn Chong is! One thing a day? Isn't that some underachiever vitamin? In a voice-over Cynthia says that Melissa is newly motivated and has met a clothing manufacturer, "being the snoop that she is." That's foreshadowing, people; remember that remark. Back to the nighty-night scene, and Melissa talking about her clothing label ideas: their label should be called "Bow-Wow, Inc," or "Bow-uh-Know." Say it out loud, like you're stupid. Now put your hands in the air and wave them all around like you just don't care. Hee. Melissa explains why she wants to name the company Bow-uh-Know: "People ask us what we know about fashion, we say 'bow-uh-know.' That's our generation. We don't know anything about anything." Oh, how I hate deprecating remarks (even self-deprecating ones) about "our generation." It makes me wish I were an old-time gold rush person. Consarnit.

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