Real World

Episode Report Card
Stee: D+ | Grade It Now!
Shrinky Dink

Paula comes into the phone room and babbles some ridiculous shit about Zach being "an idiot." I'm getting the idea that Paula has multiple personality disorder. And scabies. Zach takes the abuse, confused. Then she starts saying that Zach has a tiny penis and Crystal thinks he's boring and no one respects him. She walks off, carrying her comfort blanket from childhood. (Dude, that should have been Sign One that the girl is bonkers.) Zach wonders whether those are her true feelings about him. Zach says that Paula is ruining everyone's experience in Key West, and that she needs professional help. Paula goes to bed. John fixes the phone.

Later. (Jesus, how long is this night?) Crystal comes over. Zach's hat is on sideways. She must dig it because she goes upstairs with him. They get in bed. Zach camera-talks that he adores Crystal, but needs to tell her how he feels. So he does. Dummy, you wait until after you get laid to give her the "friends" speech. But no, he says, "Can we keep it chill and keep it fun?" She looks hurt. He says it's selfish but he's not going to lie: he wants to remain unattached. He says that he doesn't want anyone to get hurt. "Then stop hurting people," Crystal says, in one of the oldest yet most effective comebacks for this situation ever. Zach camera-fros that he thinks Crystal understands where he's coming from, but that she doesn't want to believe it. Yes, and yes. Now they turn out the lights and from the overhead camera we see clothes coming off and kissing and covers and we fade away.

Morning. Sailboat. Lifesaver. Clouds. House. Pool. Inside. Crystal and Zach cuddle in bed. They get up. Downstairs, Paula eats cereal. Crystal does the walk of shame, and asks Paula whether she had fun last night. "I think I broke the phone," Paula says, and adds that the longer she's been here, the more out of control she's been acting. Yeah, well, she's used to being in the hospital most of the time where there isn't any alcohol. Paula is heading off to the shrink. Tyler offers to drive her. Meanwhile, Zach says goodbye to Crystal, telling us some ludicrous nonsense in which he tries to convince us and himself that as long as he's honest with the girl, no one is going to get hurt. As if that has ever worked in the history of the world, anywhere.

Key West. Water. Houses. FORD! Tyler drives. Paula sits in the backseat, looking exactly like a sad beagle, staring nervously out the window. Tyler asks whether she wants him to be serious or light. She says that she's scared. He says she shouldn't be scared and that she should just be honest and open with the shrink. He asks whether she's ever been to a therapist before, and she says no. And we see her picking one of her scabs. Ah. So, yeah. She's a picker. I've known those. They're something else. Picker Paula now camera-sores that she doesn't know what to expect and doesn't know how to start explaining to a doctor what her problems are. More nervous driving. Nervous. Stupid song. They arrive. She kisses Tyler goodbye and goes Behind the Green Door...but instead of a goofy '70s orgy waiting to watch her be ravaged by a bunch of hippies, we go to commercials.

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Real World




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