Real World
Body Issues and Bad Jobs

Episode Report Card
Jessica: D+ | Grade It Now!

Sunrise. Santa Monica. Crane shot over the nice, pricey waterfront property and over into Venice and the Beach House of Banality. Jon jams alone in his room. Tami does a furious set of sit-ups in the hallway. Beth S. reads Variety. Some unidentifiable music jangles in the background as Beth simpers that she believes Tami is destined for great success. She says that if all of them "put [their] minds to it, one hundred percent," they'll "get what [they] want." She flips through the classifieds at the back of Variety -- most of which, by the way, read along the lines of "Non-Union actors needed for student film. Nudity required." Beth shoves her résumé into a manila envelope. Okay, so I just got laid off from my shitty-ass copywriting job, right, and how sad is it that at this moment, I identify with Beth? Please, just kill me right now. Beth reclines on a beach chair, and Jessica Wakefields that although she doesn't know exactly what she wants to do with her life, but that when she figures it out, she knows she'll succeed, because she always gets what she wants.

Tami's all over the Stair-Master as she voice-overs that she's about to start an extremely vigorous exercise program. Yes, that makes good sense to me; frankly, her body looks too perfect right now, and could be a bit more emaciated. Jon watches as Tami does stomach crunches (twisting to work her obliques, for those of you keeping score at home) and explains that she's really been "slacking" since she moved into the house. Watching her makes me hungry; I'm going to have me some Doritos. Crunchy, spicy Doritos -- perfect with lunch, or as a snack! Every bite is chock-full of awesome, mouth-watering flava! Now available in Extremely Cool Ranch! Get Dorito-ed today! When Tami leans back to rest after her set, Jon leans over and pokes at a rogue hair on her chin. Tami laughs about the funny things that hormones can do to a woman. She ought to invest in some Vaniqua. Vaniqua helps women remove unwanted facial hair! Now available in Extremely Strong, for Manly Women! Get Vaniqua-ed today!

Oh, God. Tami, Beth, and Jon loll around the girls' room. Tami looks at Beth very seriously and informs her that she believes if "you're excellent at your craft and true to your work, if you're good, they'll take you no matter what you look like." Did she just insult Beth's looks? I think she did. Rock on, Tami. Beth says that success in Hollywood is based partially on who you know, but mostly on how you look. As I believe I said a long time ago, Beth is doomed as an actress. Because success in this town -- really, like anywhere -- is based on three things:

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Real World




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