Real World
A Two-Timer Primer

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Alex Richmond: D | Grade It Now!
A Two-Timer Primer

Peaceful music plays as perfect waves crash against the beach. God, Miami is beautiful. Inside the house, Flora dials the phone. Mitchell, her Boston boyfriend, answers and she immediately starts to bully him: "Mitchell, why is my car in your driveway?" Mitchell sounds weary as he says, "First of all, I am not using your car..." Flora cuts him off abruptly. "Yes, you are. My father said he saw you. He just called me freaking out." In a sit-down, Flora explains that she and Mitchell are in love and they "try to out-bitch each other; it's fun." Sounds like fun! Not. On the phone, Mitchell says quietly that he can't talk right now, he has people over. Flora says, "I don't give a shit about your stupid little sluts; I want to know why you lied." Mitchell screams, "LIED ABOUT WHAT!!" Oh my god, it's actually scary. Flora holds the phone away from her ear and looks pleased and shaken at the same time. She says quietly, "Jesus, man, you are definitely not cool." Mitchell repeats that he can't talk to her right now and the phone goes dead. Flora hangs up then instantly picks up the phone again and dials, muttering to herself. Yikes.

Talking head of Melissa saying that Flora's relationship with Mitchell is like a roller coaster. Of total pain. Sure, I can see that -- like a Great Adventure for tortured souls. A Coney Island for masochists.

Cut to Flora stomping up the stairs, calling out to no one in particular, "If Mitchell calls, tell him I'm dead." Sarah, still the innocent one, asks, "Isn't that your boyfriend?" Flora says "EX! Tell him I died." Upstairs, she takes down all the photos she has of Mitchell while the Murmurs sing their "You Suck" song. Get it? It's very subtle. She thinks Mitchell sucks now! The music is so helpful at times.

A dolphin fin appears in the water outside the house as Mariah Carey sings one of her stupid love songs. The mood has changed now, see? Thanks, music. Joe's on the phone with Ick. He says, "Check your messages, I was home all night." Ick says in a disgusting baby-talk voice, "Aww, we could have smooched on the phone! Mmm!" Oh, BARF! Then Joe says he's flying back to NYC because of "so many issues. [He has] so much going on in New York." Not to mention a "hot" "model" giantess to poke.

Back on the Flora-Mitchell Phone Call of Pain, Mitchell explains impatiently, "You were rude to me on the ASK me, you don't TELL me." Flora shows some guts as she says, "Don't scream in my ear. Look, I can't go out with you anymore." Sarah's standing right there and has a bemused look on her face. In a voice-over, she explains that maybe Flora doesn't like herself so much and maybe that's why she gets herself into situations like this. Back on the Phone Call of Pain, Flora explains, "First of all, you have no class..." Mitchell totally freaks, screaming, "WHAT! You SLUT! You [bleep bleep]!" SLAM, phone call terminated. Flora says, "Hello? Hello?" Then dials again, with the comment, "What a psycho." Yes, you are. Flora calls Louis, her boss. Then, in a sit-down, we learn that "Louis is a businessman, Mitchell is a bartender." So, you're a bartender. What the hell is wrong with being a bartender? It's a living. Then: "Louis is a man, Mitchell is a little boy." Well, don't be a cradle-robber, then. She wrangles a date out of Louis and is happy. Cyn says, "We all laugh at Flora in her relationships because they are both jokes." WORD. Then Flora gets back on the phone to Mitchell (why, why, WHY?) and arranges for him to come down for a visit. Mitchell says, "I wish I had never met you and fallen for your ass, everything would have been all jolly." Flora yells, "Get your ass down here then if you want everything to be all jolly." "Okay, I'm coming." WHY?? I hereby forbid the use of the word "jolly" from now on. And how much do these people love each other's asses? It's ass-tacular.

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Real World




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