Season 18, Episode 2

Episode Report Card
Lauren S: D | 22 USERS: C+
A Doggone Mess

I love that this show does a very long, "Tonight… on The Bachelor" segment to kick off the episode, when we're just about to watch it. Nothing makes me think that they don't actually have enough material to fill two hours more than this. Clare received the first date card so she pretties herself up and packs her bags -- because any girl who doesn't get a rose at the end of her one-on-one date then has to immediately leave the house. Juan Pablo walks in, and there is so very much hair smoothing and eyelash batting by the other girls, who are seething with jealousy. He takes Clare outside and puts a blindfold on her, while the other girls all trot out to squeal and watch and seethe further.

Clare is left with nothing to do on the ride but notice how delicious JP smells while she wonders where they are going. JP claims he remembers her being funny and clever as soon as she got out of the limo, which means that faking a pregnancy is somehow now a good idea to get a man's attention. They get out of the car and he has her jump on his back, still blindfolded, before depositing her in the middle of a small winter wonderand. There's tons of fake snow, a little sledding hill, and a tiny ice rink. They cuddle and are all giggly and cute while the other girls muse about what they could be doing.

It seems that Free Spirit Lucy just loves being naked, and wants to go on a group date because she claims she's good at getting noticed. Which seems to be pretty much by getting naked. Clare, meanwhile, thinks her date is perfect while JP voiceovers that he can see them having a life with Camila, because nothing says, "I trust this woman to love me and my child," than an hour in some fabricated, out-of-season snow. Clare thinks that this natural romantic situation could help her finally make herself vulnerable again.

Back at the house, Molly trots in with the next date card, which goes to Kat, who I can't remember at all. She's a medical sales rep? Sure. The date card promises electricity.

Oh lord, of COURSE there is a spa set up in the snow, with the rose on a pedestal tantalizingly nearby. Clare uses the time together to tell him about her late, beloved father, and what an awesome man he was. She closed herself off after he died, but knows that isn't what he would have wanted. She also knows that her bar is set pretty high because she wants a man as awesome as her dad was. JP cuddles with her a while and then goes and gets the rose, which of course she accepts, and then we get the first kiss of the season as well as the first, "I really could be falling for this guy." Because this date wasn't surreal enough, a singer named Josh Krajcik (from the X-Factor) shows up to serenade them so that they can slow-dance in wet bathing suits in the falling snow, like you do.

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