Whopper 101

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | 1 USERS: A+
Have it your way or the highway

POW! Did you know Donald Trump loves New York? Did you know he would like to share it with you? Oh, good. In case you didn't, that news is the opener for the new season, as we watch footage designed to prove the following: New York contains buildings. New York contains the Statue of Liberty. New York contains trees, and in the fall, they turn different colors. New York has "lots and lots of energy." Man, who wrote this copy for Trump? "Lots and lots"? Couldn't cough up the word "unlimited," or "boundless," or "spectacular"? Pay a little to the writing staff, people. Big vocabularies and subject-verb agreement are worth every penny! Anyway, from inside the Trumpicopter, the man himself informs us that we already know everything about him, including how large he is. He is speaking as a developer, of course. Not that he doesn't undoubtedly claim to be large in many respects. Wow, didn't even finish the first paragraph without a dick joke. Hi, I'm your recapper, and I just got here directly from the gutter.

Anyway, Trump owns a honkload of mostly-obscure companies, and he's been having trouble finding anyone to run them, what with the declining enrollments in undergraduate bootlicking programs. In what I guess is supposed to be one of his many offices, Trump is telling someone that "success breeds success," or, as he likes to put it, "bankruptcy breeds bankruptcy." A couple of American flags wave to remind you, to the bottom of your patriotic heart, that this is the land where any dipshit can become a billionaire, as if that isn't the entire theme of the show, kind of like Lost reminding you that air travel is dangerous, or American Idol reminding you not to smoke crack. And then Trump tells us that he only hires the best. Or, in the case of this show, the least worst. We are reminded that originally, there was Boyfriend Bill. Oh, yay, Boyfriend Bill! I miss you more than ever. Just seeing how lovely you and Kwame were at the finale brings back the entire bad experience of the Kelly/Jen-off, and I just never want to think about that again. But -- ack! There's Kelly, looking as smug and oily as ever. Trump claims that Kelly has been doing a great job in the...month since he was hired...much of which was holidays...much of which hadn't happened yet whenever this was I'm thinking this is actually footage of Kelly's first day. I'm surprised they left out the part where they glued his pens to the desk. (PENS, people. Read carefully.) Because isn't that what you would do if a guy from TV were brought to work in your office? Yeah, I thought so. Me, too. And then we see Kelly, incredibly awkwardly, say, "Thanks a lot, Paul, I really appreciate it." You can tell he worked for, like, ten minutes on that line. In front of the mirror. And sometimes, he had a finger-gun at the end. At least Boyfriend Bill tries to sound genuine, Kelly. Oh, and then "Paul" tells Kelly to say hi to Trump. As if Kelly will be calling Trump right after this to set up dinner together or a night of action movies at his apartment. Whatever, "Paul."

New York skyline and city porn goes by as Trump claims to be looking for a candidate who "can handle the pressure" that going to reality television events involves, and who can be "a creative thinker" in terms of dressing for the People's Choice Awards. "I'm looking for...the Apprentice!" Trump says, pointing into the camera in a way that he also worked on for ten minutes. This whole thing is just sad with a capital S. And a capital A and D, also. In fact, it's only a shame it's not a longer word. Skyline porn! Bomp-chicka!

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