Episode Report Card
M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now!
Task: Selling Hot Dogs

Full disclosure: this will be my first season of The Apprentice. Most of my exposure to Donald Trump has been secondhand; firstly through Miss Alli when she used to recap this show, and secondly through the Trump-inspired recurring character "Mr. Glass" on my three-year-old's favorite show, the animated series Curious George. Mr. Glass is a jowly, megalomaniacal urban-real-estate magnate with questionable hair and no inside voice, who names his buildings after himself and insists on addressing George as "MONKEY!" And he's still more likable than Donald Trump.

Okay, so apparently this is "Celebrity Apprentice," which is pretty dishonest on several levels. The second-most obvious level is that actual celebrities don't need this shit. Who would want to win an ass-kissing job in an ass-kissing contest when they're already rich and famous in their own right? Which brings us to the first-most obvious level, namely what this show's idea of a "celebrity" is. We've got:

Lennox Lewis. Boxing isn't what it used to be, which is probably why he's here.

Tiffany Fallon. I have no idea who this is. A "playmate" of some variety. Did you know I've been married for sixteen years? Hi, honey!

Tito Ortiz. Another mystery person to me. Apparently he's an ultimate fighting champion. I'm still pulling for the guy Jon Favreau played on Friends.

Marilu Henner. Star of Taxi, Johnny Dangerously, her own talk show. Apparently averse to the letter O, which should fuel some touchy interactions with a certain other contestant (see below).

Trace Adkins. Country music star. I listened to country music sometimes for a while, back in 1994. I don't remember this guy. He describes himself as "the apprehensive apprentice," thus immediately becoming my favorite.

Piers Morgan. Judge on America's Got Talent. Judge not lest ye be judged.

Gene Simmons. Apparently the Kiss bassist isn't getting enough screen time on his very own reality show. Who would have thought that a guy who spent the '70s making himself up like a zombie bat and spitting blood needed so much attention?

Jennie Finch. Softball player. Probably the best-looking one in the league, or team, or whatever, which may be why she's the famous one.

Stephen Baldwin. Apparently got tired of waiting around for another season of Celebrity Mole.

Nely Galan. Boss of Telemundo. Not that I ever watch that channel. We only get Univision where we live, no matter how many times I call up my cable company and berate them in made-up Spanish.

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