Soap Gets In Your Eyes

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson Nine: Pain Is Temporary
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously, Surya whined and bitched and was willing to say anything to fuck with James, and Trump called Tim "Jim," and Surya had no defense but that James should be fired instead. Down at the fire as James is returning, Nicole tells people to "visualize" success. Which is nice if you're not, you know, planning on just going ahead and winning. Stef asks about whether Tim and James are okay, and Tim lies that he has no problem with James, and then Frank gives a speech that makes no sense about how James got called out in the BR and that means he should become PM this week. James tells us how this informs his personal drama and how it's his moment to step up, or whatever whatever. The Amazing Saga Of James, like Sean and Lee before him, is something I think we're going to have to learn to deal with. I don't really even mind anymore. At least not yet. I'm just glad Surya's gone because he was driving me bats.

Phone rings, and Stefani and Kristine answer. Andie's wearing an ill-fitting bra, and they're meeting Trump suddenly at the set of Passions. Awesome! I hate soaps, but I love that show. Speaking of drama, Nicole screams her way through an entire shower, in her most disgusting display yet. Nobody wants to hear that shit in the morning. Then they get in the van and she starts screaming about how much she loves Passions. And I can't say anything. Trump talks to Whitney about how apparently she's a "big star" and she says she likes it, and he promises to watch her on the show, but you know his ass lies. She skedaddles before the cast even shows up, weirdly. Like why was she there? Nicole screams about how she loves the show, and Heidi looks at her like the cutest, saddest little thing.

So the task is to create a webisode about this new kind of foaming cleanser, and it'll be related to soap operas in some way, and one team will get a "fabulous reward" and the other one, somebody will be "fired," Trump says, "like a dog." Angle on Frankie Suits and Muna. No! Not Frankie! He thanks them and they leave, just about as disinterested in this entire process as we've yet seen them. I love how the show is unable to hide the disdain we all -- including the candidates, of course -- have for it, while simultaneously having to pretend that it still believes in itself: the score becomes suspenseful and brazen while Kristine is particular is like, "Whatever. Just give me my Rice-A-Roni or whatever and let me take a damn shower." It's like something you just can't clean up in editing, even when it's in your best interest to do so. This show teaches us lessons through its own mistakes, which is the definition of humility, which is itself another unintended factor of its shitty editing. Sometimes you're so bad you don't know how to be good anymore. That's I think the deal with Frank: he's humble because he has no idea, and he teaches us a lot of things about how to behave, or not. The Zen of Frankie Suits is being complete in oneself, like a block of tofu with no idea what's going on, ever.

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