"One of Us Will Win, But Not by Much"

Episode Report Card
Carla Sparks: B- | 3 USERS: B
The Prestige

It's the final episode, which means Donald Trump is going to do that weird one-shot monologue thing. This is the best moment of the entire season, because each thing Donald stomps by is more preposterous and egomaniacal than the next. He's also yelling into the camera and it looks like he doesn't remember how to walk normally. Like, if you have it recorded, just pause it at any time during this monologue and look. So unnatural!

So Donald shouts in front of Penn Jillette juggling for the Opportunity Village Fund. Penn doesn't mess up his monologue at all. Donald strides by Trace Adkins playing the guitar for the American Red Cross. I think the idea here is to make even successful celebrities look penniless next to Trump. And I thoroughly enjoyed Donald Trump fake playing the harmonica before dinosaur walking on. His final stop is to shout that it's Nashville versus Las Vegas live and pretend to stride into the theater. I wonder how many times they had to shoot that.

Donald Trump is introduced to the live studio audience as "the original all-star." He reminds us who the contestants are before we launch into a recap of the season. We look back fondly on Omarosa being awful, Stephen Baldwin being stupid and arrogant, and Gary Busey being mentally unsound but in a way that everyone can laugh at him and it's still somehow OK. Penn has a lot of connections and Trace has a couple really rich connections. Oh, and Trace spelled "Melania" wrong and is still here.

Both contestants are taking risks at this point. Penn's video to promote his ice cream flavor is too long, Trace has Gary on his team and is letting him loose. They will raise their final funds in a sham of an ice cream flavor launch. The audience applauds for the entirety of the long Celebrity Apprentice theme sequence.

Were back to Penn's editing bay, where they need to cut 15 seconds out so they can get the video to 60 seconds. Lisa suggests taking the Dennis Rodman reveal out of the end, and Penn suggests airing it as bonus content at the party. Penn is more pleased with this option than just having the original video. There was never really any danger.

At the live component, Donald introduces Ivanka, Joan Rivers, and his sons, welcoming them to the fake boardroom set. Eric and Don Jr. are just in the audience and whoa, can we just talk about Don Jr.'s wife? Where do you get a wife like that? What is it? I'm so distracted I almost can't pay attention to the task.

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