Getting Medieval

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: C- | Grade It Now!
One Knight Only

Previously: Eighteen "celebrities" convened to sell sandwiches (and their souls, if necessary) in the hopes that a bombastic blowhard with a duck 'do would approve of them. And also to give some money to charity. Long story short, despite Cheryl Tiegs' creativity with tofu and cranberry spread, the pace of this competition proved too much for the '70s swimsuit supermodel.

We rejoin the remaining contestant as they await the Boardroom Bettys (Cheryl, Victoria Gotti, and Patricia Velásquez). They easily reach the consensus that Cheryl is a goner, but that doesn't stop Lisa Lampanelli from voicing her annoyance with Victoria for making personal calls during the task. The bile has barely exited her mouth when Victoria and Patricia return. Victoria walks in as only a mob princess can, telling everyone, "It's on! You all bettah watch out!" Lisa prays that Victoria won't kill her in her sleep. Tia Carrere says she hopes Victoria isn't upset with her, and Victoria does everything she can not to utter the phrase "cement boots," but you know she's thinking it. She interviews, "Women will turn on you like a jackrabbit." (Is that a saying?) And says, "Bring it on. I'm ready." Credits.

The next day, Unanimous winning Project Manager Paul Teutul, Sr. heads to the Central Park Zoo to deliver the money he won ($484,082) to Gabriel, a kid with Leukemia who is part of the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

A bit later, the teams meet up with Trump, Don Jr., and... James Lipton (?) to learn this week's task -- to create a 12- to 15-minute show for Medieval Times. When Trump introduces Lipton, he says, "I've wanted to be on his show for years." So you're admitting your life is a charade, Trump? Or do you honestly think your one-line parts in Sex and the City and Zoolander make you qualified? (The answer, of course, is probably yes. Because they may have only been walk-ons, but they were the most successful, tremendous walk-ons in all of walk-on history!) Lipton explains that he has been tapped as an advisor on this task because he -- like George Clooney, Jude Law, and Kylie Minogue -- is a Chevalier of the Ordre des Arts et des Lettres, translation: an honest-to-goodness knight. Lipton points to a suit of armor behind him and claims it's his, then challenges the Apprenti to a joust. Dee Snider is the first to call bullshit that Lipton is fitting into a suit of armor.

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