Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
"You must pay the rent!" "I can't pay the rent!"
Previously on It's So Early, And Already I'm Well Over My Recommended Daly Allowance: Various celebrities, approached to participate in a charity auction, treated the candidates with varying levels of disdain. Regis Philbin was hesitant to be pimped out as a travel accessory to be packed in some wealthy person's Gloria Vanderbilt luggage, while Carson Daly suffered over being thought of as "the guy who says he kind of knows Tiger Woods." Isaac Mizrahi just wanted his name pronounced correctly, the Queer Eye cast just wanted Troy to avoid dressing in a manner tantamount to nudity, and Rocco and Mama might not have been able to make riveting television, but they can still make dinner for fifty. Assorama took her shot as the Protégé PM and made life predictably miserable for everyone around her, hanging up on people at random and refusing to let anyone else do anything and basically acting like a Grade-A, top-flight, board-certified pain in the ass. There was some flirty business going on between Nick and Amy, but Nick gave off a suspicious vibe that he would eventually turn out to be that most dreaded of species, Thinks Smart And Independent Women Are Sexy Until One Of Them Points Out That He Misspelled Something, At Which Point He Loses His Shit, Gets Drunk, And Angrily Finds A Pliable Idiot To Sleep With Guy. The charity auction raised $75,000 for the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation, which means these people did more good in one night than they've probably done in their combined lives up to this point. Assorama declared Jessie the cause of all of Protégé's problems when they took the loss, and when the team went to the Boardroom, it was Assorama, Jessie, and Heidi at the final table. Assorama acted like her usual condescending, obnoxious self, and Trump called her on it -- but Heidi and Jessie chose to smile through it. This confused and irritated Trump profoundly, and in Jessie's case, he found it so distasteful that he fired her for failing to defend herself. For the second week in a row, it turned out that he'd rather you have a spine than a heart. Amen, Donald. That's the theory on which most of my life is based.

Credits. In my next life, I want to be introduced everywhere I go by a personalized stock ticker. If I could walk into a room and announce that I am already down 2 3/8 for the day, maybe people would know when to leave me alone.

Aspiring Corporate Weasel Death Watch, S4. For some reason, Ereka is bumming around the apartment in a white sweater, red pants, and a brown corduroy newsboy cap. What could have possessed her, honestly? Will she be shooting a video later? Did she lose her mind at the Street Cred Closeout Sale? Katrina asks Troy whom he thinks will be fired, as between Jessie "Putting the 'Con' in" Conners and Heidi "You Can't Delude Others Unless You First Truly Delude Yourself" Bressler. Kwame and Troy aren't so sure it'll be either -- things weren't looking so sunny for the inimitable Assorama, or so it appeared at the time Troy and Kwame fled the Boardroom of Horrors, leaving their distinctive Troy-shaped and Kwame-shaped holes in the wall.

Just then, Heidi and Assorama return from the Boardroom. There are hugs for Heidi. There are no hugs for Assorama. I'm telling you, it's all relative. Both women report that the conversation was "heated." "It got hot," Assorama smirks, "but I'm here." Heidi reports rather spittingly that it became "really ugly" in the Boardroom. And she's not talking about her eyebrows. (Thank you; I'm here all week. No, really. Did you hear I have three shows all of a sudden? I am saying that I am here all week.) Heidi furiously babbles that Assorama called her "unclassy and unprofessional," and she appears to be really peeved that Assorama had never told her that she felt that way. As if "unclassy and unprofessional" would have been all right with her, if only Assorama had said it more often. Assorama basically rolls her eyes, to which I'm not totally unsympathetic, because Heidi -- as usual -- needs to shut up. But I also agree with Heidi when Assorama gets all smug about it and Heidi points out that Trump called Assorama's behavior "repulsive." It's a fair point, after all. "Whatever, I'm still here," Assorama says. Yeah, it's hard to spin "repulsive" as a compliment, although if anyone could do it, she'd be the one to try. Heidi interviews that Assorama's "no class" comment only reflected badly on Assorama herself. (It's awesome that in this interview in which she objects so strenuously to being called out for lacking class, you can see what appears to be her black bra sticking out of the ultra-plunging neckline of her light blue sweater.) Honestly, I think the whole exchange reflected miserably on everyone who participated in it, but we'll see over time whether Trump agrees with me. I hope he does, because I love to be validated by the sickeningly wealthy.

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