Apprentice
Decision Time (2)

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Flair, Care, And The Dirty Chair

Previously on Trump-dillyicious: Rob was fired because he seemed kind of normal and therefore doomed. Bradford was fired because...let's just say that if Trump gives you a tie for Christmas, you wear it every time he sees you, and you do not return it saying that you will remain open-collared for the sake of solidarity with a platoon of useless grunts. Stacie was fired for being an odd duck quacking her way through a team of pretty ponies. Jen C. was fired because ew. No, really. EW. Pamela was fired because passing off your loss as a tie is not an impressive Boardroom strategy. John was fired because sometimes, it really is the PM's fault. Stacy was fired because the world is not completely hostile to the forces of good in the universe, no matter how it sometimes looks when you watch the Weather Channel in Minnesota in January. Elizabeth was fired because if all the native New Yorkers run to hide in their basements with bottles of water and crank-powered radios, that will frighten the tourists. Raj was fired because "detached toilet" is not considered a selling point for a house. Chris was fired because it's all right to think chicks are boring, but if you want to work in the big world of retail, you have to find their money interesting, because you can't spend your life in a metaphorical airport looking for the cootie-free shop. Maria and Wes were both fired, because nobody appreciates an escaped zoo elephant, but it isn't like anybody is throwing parties for the asshole who left the cage unlocked or the animal-control moron who can't get a dart in its ass long enough to stop the stampede, either. Andy was fired because...wait, why was Andy fired? Huh. We forget. Anyway, Ivana was fired because when a woman wears undies on the street during her interview, you don't really want to find out what she'll wave around at the office if you actually give her the job. Sandy was fired for upsetting the Trumpian worldview, Kevin was fired for not being Kelly, and that brought us here to the final two. Who, somehow, are Kelly and Jen. And not since the Survivor finale four days ago have so many been so motivated to pause, observe, and channel Peggy Lee, all, "Is that all there is?" Anyway. He's a snippy, blame-shifting, arrogant dick! She's a humorless, ineffectual, elitist snob! And now, we move on to the epic battle to be the likeability basement rather than the sub-basement, also known as the inevitable Triumph Of The Pill.

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Apprentice

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